ouch*

I touched on the heartache of saying our goodbyes to Ducky each week in my last post but this weekend it again rose as a devastating ache that has haunted me & Gary since. Darcey has assured us she is happy at mummys house but she so desires to live with us. Im sure this is not uncommon in split family homes when the child doesnt live in her secondary home as much as the primary. We after much talking are convinved this also is not just an attention seeking ploy. Darcey is getting extremly distressed with the go to & from of her two homes. Her words were "Its just so hard for me." This breaks me. A six year old should not feel hardship & sadness on this level, but poor angel boo does & that is something that obviously does not settle well with us as parents. But unfortunatly finding a solution is not prooving easy as Ducky is being asked on her mothers side to just accept this is her situation & not cry for long on it. She is being called silly when the door is opened to her & she is showing upset, there is no open arms of understanding or empathy & as you can imagine dropping her off in such distress unsure of she will recieve comfort is becoming unbareable. We just dont know what to do. I am currently writing her a visual photo book to help her understand how her families become entwined, we are civil & kind to her mum always & I often encourage talk from how she feels in all of her routines, school, home life & friends etc. She is so open & honest now, so unguarded. She is easily comforted with a good chat & huge snuggly cuddles. But this is just different & we are just so stressed. We want what is best for Darcey. My sister came up with some ideas to help boo understand & be comforted at both homes but as of now we are unable to do these great ideas as her mum does not feel Darcey has a deep rooted upset & she simply just misses her daddy. Her tears were too strong for just that, her own words too easily slurred through hiccups, she is uncomfortable with the divide. So a solution is needed & fast. Me & Jasper will be getting her from school this week for a hot chocolate & daddy hopes to leave work early to join us, but there is always the goodbye. Has anyone experiences this?? What do we do?? Love & light for my little darling girly, why does it have to be so painful for you sweet darling, bless u angel. The stars sprinkle kisses down on you honey pie xxx 143

siblings* January

My little cherubs are different to the view I had of my siblings at a young age. They are devastatingly parted each week to stay at separate homes in different towns & have the sadness of goodbyes & missing each other every weekend. Its nothing but heart breaking! It is where our family is weak & has pain. But as soon as our bouncy little princess comes home it is alive once again with laughter of TWO cherubs not just Jaspeys darling giggles. And what a joy that is. The ache of missing Darcey is only dulled by knowing we have a short countdown until we see her again. For me & Jasper at least its a mid week visit after school enjoying a hot chocolate & doing their learning books for extra time with our ducky. They have such a great, close bond although she is bossy & struggling with the fact Jasper is bigger & inventing new game ideas & playing himself, not just following her. Some alone time given is always so brief as one of them will creep back to the other with a new play idea & they are off again. I love my sweet angels like you couldn’t imagine, Darcey not being born to me but is this amazing lil lovebug best friend to my sweet boy, such a great, inspiring big sissy. He in turn is so affectionate & passionate about his amazing big sister. He really thinks even when she is being a stroppy bum that she is the coolest girl. I adore how they are together, so innocent, fun & creative. Explorers, adventurers & philosophers! Mini Bear Grylls in the making!! 143 sweet bubbalubbas**

Painting pasta

I recently saw a post by a fave mummy blogger of mine Charlie Farlie. I have seen this idea before & wasnt really too keen as Jasper seemed to little & with Darcey always being so energetic & dare I say it advanced :) I figured she may not want to do such an easy paint art creation. I was wrong. Stud & Boo just loved this tonight. Penne pasta at the ready & sponge paintbrushes with all colours of glitter paints. Paper down they dabbed, rolled & painted pasta for nearly an hour getting hugely messy but so widely happy. Showing off every pasta piece to each other & me & dadda with such pride. They enjoyed mixing colours to create another like we did last week. They especially liked when the pasta they had painted yellow got a little green on it. Marvelling at the marble like mixtures. Such a brilliant, easy activity that will tommorow become another craft of threading the pasta tubes with string to make themselves a necklace. Darcey is just so excited to wake & do this. Brilliant fun & happy crafting**

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Sensory play with fake snow

Studley & cherubs little faces when I surprised them with a playful bathtime of sensory play with shaving foam & army men was just incredible. They have played with paints, water, bubbles & crafts but never really hands on messy play at home. In the bath is the best idea for me as we have new carpet in our lounge & a very small kitchen with tiles & the rest is carpeted. Anyhow Jasper just hadnt stopped thanking me so when I found fake snow in the sales from Christmas I brought some tubes & surprised him for bathtime after his first day back at school. He knew I was up to something & was so cute running round nudey rudey so excited & trying to sneak peaks into the bathroom. When he saw another tub set up with zoo animals in snow & a warm bubble bath he giggled this huge "Thank you mama" & has really not stopped kissing me & telling me Im beautiful since. Thats his newest charming delight. Telling me Im his princess, a superwoman, the best mummy, beautiful & handsome & asking like Casper the ghost "Can I keep you!". The most darling little studley ever, I could combust with how much I love him, his gorgeous words & charming wit & cuteness. He stayed in the bath until it was too cold playing along imaginatively his own zoo scene in his head, saving the Giraffe whos head was stuck in the bubble hat. Sweeping the snow with the monkey & tucking them into bed with the snow as a blanket. I drained the bath & he then played in the bubbles that still clung to the tub, slipping around on his knees laughing so much* After reading The Gruffalo's child (favourite book of all time according to Jasper & Darcey!) & watching the movie it was bedtime. Sweetest snuggle ups before & this sensitive soul telling me a story he made up alone about a doggy called Monty (he always features in our short family stories!! Even being a superhero doggy in daddys tales!) I just adore my sweet boy & am trying to take even more moments of connection with him, stopping chores Im doing to read him the book he's asking for & being patient when he slows walking & wants me to carry him for a cuddle. He is getting such a big boy, he is four this year. But he will always be my darling SONshine, my heartbeat, my baby. I dont want these adventures to only be for after 3pm or at the weekends. He's so excited for big school, we drive past & he shouts "see you soon" & when Ducky talks about school he asks if his big boy school days are closer yet! But Im not ready. I have huge anxieties with how I feel about him going to school so young, so soon. Ahr here I go again, anyhow FAKE SNOW SENSORY PLAY WAS A HUGE HIT!!! the end** 143

bella, the girlies & boo*

My mama & twinny have owned horses all my life. Of course my mama first & then my sissy got one in her teens. They both have the bug but I am genuinally terrified of big dogs let alone horses. Tragic I know* But Ducky & Stud love them. They love that just five steps from nanna's back garden on the south downs is these beauiful girlies Chloe & Bonnie in a huge field to explore & love. After a much needed catch up with Bella I felt brave & in want of fresh air so we headed for the field. It is mud drenched from all the rain, welly boots being suckered into the deepest mud & a workout just to get to each section of the fields. Such hard work on my mum & Bella bless them, & the poor horses :( Jasper of course loved it. He wanted to touch everything, help Bella with the feed buckets, push hay in the nets & pick up to doo!! (He had rubber gloves on dont worry!) He is such a nature boy. He marvelled at the bowed shape of the trees in the areas that create shade in the summer, he enjoyed the mud & slipping & sliding & just wanted to help so much. Bella said "Jaspey Ive left some poop there for u to get!" & he thanked her haha. So bizarre. It was mud rocks underneath he was gettin but he is so cute, so wanting to help that he didnt mind doing the 'crappy' jobs too hehe. He stroked Chloe & threw rocks for Roxy after then put the waste food out for the foxes that regulary visit the field. Lovely, easy afternoon!! 143 sweet baby boy*

First of 2014

Since Boxing day minus one day we have had Darcey home with us. Its been wonderful, magical, exhausting hehe & much needed family filled fun. We have all so enjoyed Gary being off over Christmas but this week he had to return to work. Our new years day was very chilled, sleepy, easy. So I made sure the two remaining days we had with Ducky were energised & adventurous. We headed out early Thursday to our local swimming pool. We stayed for over two hours, the bubbas knackering themselves with so much swimming, Darcey unaided from her rubber ring more than not & doing such brilliant underwater swimming even without her goggles. Jasper discovered that he really isnt afraid of the slide & they decided for half and hour they would pair up & go down the huge yellow flume as a pair. I watched them up the steps then would meet them at the bottom. They just adored this & the smile of studleys face was just too precious. Lil miss gappy was a giggling crazy haired mermaid, such a water bubb* She'd would come down in a different position each time where as Jasper was so controlled as to not get to splashed on the exit hehe. We headed home for art fun & painting experiments. We had seen on tv that morning a paint activity that taught what colours were created when mixing primary colours together. Darcey now has remembered what these mean & what colours mixed creates what. Such a sponge brain** They have been playing together all day & started to get cross at each other so Darcey had some time on her own with their toys in their room & Jasper helped me wash up. After ten minutes she was asking him to play again bless her. For bathtime I got their sand pit into the bath tub & covered the bucket area with shaving foam & their army men & horses. This is a game they love playing with dadda so often. They kept thanking me little darlings just so adorable* Today we have had all their Christmas books out, Gruffalo film on, arts & colouring with their buddy Ruby & learning fun with Darceys alphabet stamp set. Nice & easy. Until it was time for bubba to go to mamas but thats a whole other post :(:( Love u Darcey doo, my lil angelface. Beyond measure* YOU R SO LOVED SWEET GIRL!! 143*

Happy Blogger-versary to me!! One year old*

Wowsa, where the hell has this year gone. Everything is flying by scarily fast. Ive been blogging now for a whole year. So proud of all my wonderful memories documented with photos & actually read by other people than just my twinny haha!! Ive so loved reading through old posts this week. Its all so inspiring. I cannot believe just how little Jasper looked last January compared to his athletic, tall lil bod now. He was still taller than most his age but still had his double chin & turtle toot head hehe. But now he loks like a little Next model, like a boy. A boy ready for more adventures this year before he starts BIG BOY SCHOOL!!! AHHHRRR!!! I cannot believe Im even writing that. It gives me nauseus butterflies in my belly & honestly does not make me feel easy. I applied for his catchment school after viewing it & Jasper falling in love (he cried when we had to leave). It had such brilliant play areas, huge amount of books & educational toys & displays, visual art & learning on every wall space & teachers that greeted Jasper before they spoke to me, something I find very comforting seeing as they will be more his friend than mine. I have so many hopes for his schooling. Im not a stern, strict parent in the thought school is strictly for learning to become a Doctor or Scientist. I want Jasper to enjoy his school, his friends, his playtime, books, numbers & not worry like I did if he remembers every date in his History lessons (obv when he's alot older!!). Oh god my mind is a blur now with these thoughts. So anyhow a year in blogging. This is incredible. Heres to another year, a great start to 2014 & a heap more inspiring adventures & fun* My babys...I love you so utterly, overwhelmingly and unconditionally. 2014 is all about you my darlings* 143

Happy New Year 2014

I have been blogging for a year. January 3rd is when I created my first post inspired by my love of reading, writing & seeing so many blogging mamas on twitter. With a little advice from a few I set up my blogspot page & have cherished the time to sit down & really pour my heart out into these posts & hope one day my children will read & be inspired, feel overwhemingly loved & cherished & enjoy the photos of their childhood. Darcey is at my side as I write this & has asked me to read her what was in a post, she giggled as I read a post about her & her gorgeousness. Just love her too much!! We spoke about our favourite moments of 2013 & what has been incredible about it. Gary & I agreed that his new job has been such a blessing, & for him his confidence in his outstanding work ethics & efforts has grown, inspired by the praise from so many of his clients & his bosses. Im so proud of him, he is such a hard grafter & when I feel sensitive about not working enough or spending money on myself he is so quivk too tell me how much I do as a mother & homekeeper. He is just amazing** We as a couple just work so well & I hope in 2014 we will have more love & effection into our relationship keeping us strong. We are also very proud that after many years of persistence our relationship with Darceys mummy is good. We all communicate, we all feel blessed to enjoy Darcey & we are all civil. That to me is just huge. To Darcey, it has changed her. Shes more open, honest, happy & confident & that is what all the efforts were for, my darling Ducky. Also we are thankful from this that we get more time to spend with her & I am able to participate in Darceys schooling & helping her mum on days she is at college to get Darcey from school & enjoy hot chocolate & homework before dropping her home. When I asked Darcey what she enjoyed about 2013 she was quite confused but then stated she loved ice skating with daddy ( this a memory from back in January!!) & loves that she now shares my childhood nickname Gappy & liked me telling her the stories of how my teeth fell out. Jasper made me laugh so much. I asked him & he just looked around the room listing his toys. "I liked playing lego, I liked playing army men..." haha. I listed some things for him and he agreed he loved them all. Adventures, summer fun, starting pre-school, Christmas, Turkey holiday to which he jumped around remembering the holiday song which he still insists on listening too. This year has been my favourite year of all. The communication & laughter we have with our darling SONshine is immense, Darcey doo's character has shone through with her confidence growing, even Daddy & I have enjoyed adventures to the London museums & seeing our favourite band Bastille play in Brighton. I am not unaware at how truly blessed & incredible my life is, I am so grateful for the people who have created such incredible happiness for me. Im proud of the happiness I have created within myself, for myself & for others. I am in love, I am spirited, I am full of light & happiness. I hope in 2014 this can see me through & inspire others also. I hope to not be ignorant to others hurting, I want to raise more for local Charities as we did so well for my cousin raising thousands, to this day I will still be immensely proud of how we as a family acted in such a awful time. It has made us stronger, created a bond like no other & brought me especially closer to my gorgeous sisters. I didnt actually think we could be clser but they truly are my best friends. For my children, I desire pure happiness, belly laughter & more adventures & fun. For my darling boyo Gary, I hope you keep on the high you so truly deserve from the hard work you put into every part of mine, Darceys & Jaspers life before your own. You are my everythign & I adore you hubbs xxx Happy new year, many wishes & huge love & light to you all* 143

Sunset walk*

We have Darcey so much this holidays which has been amazing. So wonderful being with her for simple things like dinner at the table with us all in a seat, for stories at bedtime & for the good morning stinky breath kisses. She has grown so confident & energised recently, she had her hair cut shorter which she has always wanted, she acts more to how she wants too, tomboy & proud* She still loves her teddies & we created a bear hunt for her on Boxing day with beany bears scattered ober Nannas house for her to find. I wrote her a note & reading it aloud I actually got way too emotional. It reminded me too much of my nannys treasure hunts for me, secret pressies in homemade crackers, getting all slushy over the blessing of these two children I get to treat & spend Christmas in the magic of both our angels. Just incredible* Jingle & Dec were elves I told tales of, they helped me wrap gifts, create my toilet roll nativity & brought Christmas Eve onsies as goodbye gifts for the bubbas. They also helped in the treasure hunt for Duckys bears & Jaspeys new angry birds book! Darcey absolutley loved the tales. One day we walked into Nannas but i saw gift wrap & kids presents everywhere, I told them we had to go to the park for a bit as Jingle & Dec were here. Grampy shouted out that Nannas friendly elf Elfred was shy & so they couldnt come in, Their little faces lit up with the widest grins & happy, curious giggles. Too much**

We had intended to go for a nice walk on Christmas day as we had some time to spare between dropping Ducky home & seeing Garys nan. But weather did not permit until the weekend. We had a nice chilled Sunday morning & then met with my good friend Laura, Auntie Bella & Uncle Nickoli for coffee. After daddy went off for the football & me & the cherubs along with their scooters went along the seafront promenade heading for the park before sunset. They both wanted to play on the rocks & stones & step onto the sand where the tide as gone out. So we spent half an hour messing about before we got the park where they played pirates & we danced alone in the park when darkness fell to the bubbas favourite song at the mo, "What does the fox say!?". Most annoying, ridiculous song but I intend to get a video of Jaspers scatty, funny dancing to this, he loves it so much hehe** Photos on my S4 are just brilliant I do love this camera. I may one day invest in a really good camera as I just adore taking photos but am not to clever on the creative side of some of the pics I see on other blogs. I folow I heart snapping on Instagram as they have some great ideas & camera tricks to teach. Love my lil munchkins & again this fabulous sunset walk* 143

Rainy days party

Jaspers pre-school Rainy Days had a Christmas party before term finished which me & daddy were sooooo excited to attend as he had been learning carols & we had heard little snippets at home & were just so excited to hear him sing with his class. The party was set up with arts & craft stations to make tree decor, Christmas hats & Reindeer food packets. Santa also visitied & Jasper kindly gave him the biggest cuddle. Any Santa he has seen, even the dancing Santa collecting for charity in town has had a huge cuddle from this happy lil stud. They were able to play & create for over an hour & then all his school buddys formed a circle were they then sang their Christmas songs. It was incredible. Even daddy got mushy with pride. Jasper sang so well & done all his dance actions. He sang so excitedly his favourite Jingle Bells, singing so high pitched that the camera shook with me laughing behind it. So proud of this guy, so happy in company of his teachers & friends. 2014 will see him starting school so my resoultion is to be with him, present, in every moment we spend together. Love u lil giggly studley bear xx 143