newest piccys*

amazing summer with my darling angels <3<3<3

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my sweet girl

After last weeks heartache me & baby dadda decided it would do us some good to have a quality day each with our darlings. He had holiday time off & it has been incredible, relaxed & so lovely having him home everyday. Even though I didnt see him much yesterday & day before we still grouped back as a family for dinner time & snuggled for storytime & Darceys reading each night. I so love this gorgeous man with all my heart (just a side note!) Jasper was very tired & unfortunatly not well on our day together & neither was I so we done indoor activities, played, snuggled infront of a movie & he napped beside me. Huge hugs all day were just perfect. Ducky & I then had a girls day. She has asked me many times before if we could go on a 'double deco' together without Jaspey. (Double decker bus-without Jaspey because we have the buggy with him so dont go up the stairs!!). We went into Brighton on the bus & excitedly each way got on the double decker. Right at the front on the way home, Darcey pretending to drive & marvelling at being able to see so much from so high up. We went on the pier & had such fun on some stupidly expensive rides haha. I was so proud of my lil bugly for going down the super high Helter Skelter on her own & spinning on the tea cups solo. Such a confident little girly now** She was in need of new autumn clothes & we had a great time trying on all her clothes she had helped pick out. Such gorgeous outfits for our gorgeous blondie & everything she chose so suited her. Not one item was pink hehe. She got a beautiful denim shirt that matches mine & some lovely leggings. Shes so teeney tiny & her cute pins are so skinny in her leggings but she looks just stunning. Such a beautiful angel, modelling her clothes confidently & showing off dancing around just made me so so proud of her. She gets so lost sometimes in her moodiness & finds it hard to snap out of a bad grump. But today was just a perfect date day with my lil Ducky. For this & against last weeks stresses this was really a overwhelmingly physical aching happy heart* I now know Darcey will have bad days, they arent always going to be perfectly happy brother & sister but after her words today I know she is in no way against her little brother. I asked her if her boy Smurf toy was her boyfriend (jokes*) & she said no Jasper is. She then asked Jasper if he'd be her boyfriend & marry her. He said yes & she proceeded to show him how to walk down the aisle when they get married. She happily told Jasper if they got married together then they can live together forever. Speaks volumes** 143

those freckles-melt my heart ducky doo

summer blues*

It has taken a week or so to find the words for this post. Its still pretty upsetting to me & so unexpected & out of character that i almost wanted to just push it down & forget about it. But maybe writing it down I can gain some understanding. Last week we had a truly awful week with huge behavioural difficulties from Darcey towards Jasper & I. Infront of her daddy she was her normal gorgeous self, a little moody but she has that lil temperment sometimes anyhow. Gary was still working everyday as was not due his holiday days until this week. I had four exciting days planned with crafts, park, playing, learning, climbing, jumping & even a few trips out for adventures. We had Darcey Wednesday-Sunday the week before & she went home for one day & asked to come back again. It fit in well with my work schedule & we got a yes from Darceys mum so we were very excited to get another long stay with Darcey home. The first evening she was sleepy & bath & bed went well but as she woke Tuesday she was very moody. I assumed she had woken early & was just tired. We had a day at the park & playing chase & football planned with my friend who has children Eddie & Lily that are now good friends of Darcey & Jaspers. That trip went well but as soon as we left the park Darcey became quite nasty & bullying in very subtle ways to Jasper. I asked her to please behave nicer to her brother & her response was so cutting. She said blankly to my face 'What?' So not like her. We had a crafty afternoon & I noticed little sneaky frustrations Darcey was putting on Jaspey. Hiding his favourite crayon or doodling on his drawing. He got very confused with her & asked her why she did these things & she just ignored his words completly. I seperated them & after speaking on the phone to daddy Darceys behaviour picked up & was okay if a little off for the rest of that day. Wednesday morning started bad & after another call from Daddy with strong words of dissapointment Darceys behaviour again changed to what we know from her, happy & excited for our day out in Brighton. She was a bit sullen when we watched an open air movie on Brighton beach, kids classic Ratatoille. She didnt seem interested & so to boost her mood I asked if they would like to go on the Brighton wheel. They both revelled with such delight in this & in our own pod together we had an amazing time. Gorgeous happy photos were captured & my anxiety of the past few days dissapeared. Jasper fell asleep on the bus home & me & Darcey had a giggle & enjoyed each others time. But come Thursday & Friday i was in tears. She was very openly being vicious & mean to Jasper, again stealing his toys & drawing on his pictures. She stole his tomatoes off his plate even though she doesnt really like eating them, she pushed & shoved him when I wasnt looking & had such a poor attitude towards me that it left me very insecure & vunerable. Its amazing to me how much this lil girly can crush my heart & I guess its just so dissapointing as I really try to make sure there is no divide betwen her & Jaspers lifestyles but she just knows it, she knows everything is so different for Jasper. Im so sure now after thinking on it that she is just so very jealous that Jasper gets to live here everyday. He never has to leave his daddy & in her mind possibly has wonderful adventures everyday. He has more family time with his aunties, uncles & Nanna & Gramps than she gets, he knows his friends & is more comfortable with them than she is, she doesnt get to see her friends when shes at daddys. Its all too heartbreaking & understanding her upsets has definately made me view the anger she had so differently. Im not cross with her, Im sad for her to have to have these questions & stresses so young. I think also the fact that its summer holidays & she is so back & forth from her usual routine & stable home that it had a emotional effect on her. Just so so hard. I love my darling Ducky so much & was just so shocked by how sadly our week went. 143 baby girl. ALWAYS always love you with all of my heart** be strong lil one

what is in a name?

Darcey has asked me before why she was called Darcey June. I have told her its the name her mummy & daddy chose for her. Gary cannot remember exact reasoning or memory around her name being chosen. Other than he liked it for his daughter :) We researched alot of names when Jasper was in my belly. My first thoughts were names Id always liked. Jonah, Noah & Issac came to mind, I love biblical boys names. They just didnt suit & Gary was desperate for that ding ding feeling in his heart when a name was said that would be the name we called our son. We liked Colbie as it was our favorite singers name. We liked Eli & Elijah but they werent stand outs for us & Gary loved Tamer. I let him believe it was on the list knowing in the next few months Id never really agree to it. hehe naughty me** Then I came across Jasper on a baby name website. It ment Master of the treasure & I loved that. I loved the way I said Jasper Harrison out loud. I imagined it as his name being called at register & sounding unique but not too far fetched. I imagined him as a baby, child, teenager & man with this name. It went well with each stage & to my mind became perfect. It took a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months to really get Gary dead set on it & then one glorious day he called me from work & said "What about Jasper Casey Harrison". Magic to my ears &  I loved that he had chosen a lovely name for Jasper to be proud of & again researching the meaning of Casey it ment brave. Master of the treasure & brave* Just so fitting. He was set to be a pirate haha!! I still absolutly adore our chosen name for our son. It fits him so well & people always comment on how beautiful it is. The midwife just said mmm...so we have had a fair few hate it aswell. It is set in my heart as such a wonderful memory when in all the trauma & fear in labour when I was taken away from my mum to theatre I said "His name is Jasper when you meet him" & she burst into tears. Such a truly touching, emotional moment I'll always remember. 

Darcey asked me yesterday "Why do people be called other names?" It got us talking about the meaning of our own names & daddy having been given five names haha!! I asked her if she could think of a name she would like to of been called other than Darcey & she said Jasper. Haha, aside from Jasper she'd also like Spiderman Silly Gazman. Jasper said Ironman Gaz. Gary is Captain fantastic daddy & I was Supermummy** Love my darling cherubs they do make me giggle. It made me think back to when I was younger. I was desperate to change my name, I didnt dislike Cara, I just would of liked a few names to go by really. I loved Clara & Claudia & remember having a friend called Natalia & wanting that name for a while too. Im so glad I have my slightly unique easy name now, as I said with Jasper, it seems to fit. 

Those bubba eyes*

Too much cuteness...at the park today, Jasper was amongst many children looking up to the sky waving at a helicopter. I watched him from my spying spot* watched his happy, excited little face and he just did the best thing ever that genuinely made me tingle with love, he looked for me to share his joy and shouted "mummy you see it, helicopter*" then went back to waving. I love that he searched the park with his eyes to lock with mine and share that happy moment, my god I love you studley boo*

i'll have it for my birfday!!

So the boy turned three. Hes been big boy three for a whole day now. I cant really believe it. Hes slowly changed into a little boy not baby but now hes actually saying "Mummy Im three" & holding up his three fingers. We enjoyed such an amazing weekend of celebrations. We went to the firestation day on Saturday in Broadwater. Rode in a fire engine round the streets, Darcey riding shotgun like a boss, so confident & happy stating that she would like to be a fire fighter & fire engine driver when shes older* (first when im bigger quest!!) The weather turned so we went home for snuggles & film with Skye & Craigy joining us. So nice & chilled* Sunday was the special day, family & friends invited to Washbrooks family farm in Hurstpierpoint. Its a crazy good play area outdoors & in & had gorgeous two week old piglets & tractor ride round the fields. We had the most immense day with best friends & Jaspeys lil buddy Hayden joined him too which was lovely. Adults & bubbas alike had so mch fun on the ride on bikes & scooters & then onto the huge bouncy pillow which was dangerous when on there with grown heavy men trying to fight to be king of the bouncy castle* I laughed so hard I got a headache, too funny. Jasper looked like he got whiplash everytime he fell down, he absolutly loved bouncing with daddy & going so high. They spent alot of time on the trampolines too. They also had lots of slides, a zip wire, swings & climbing frames which Jasper conquered with Hayden & they looked like such big boys climbing up the small stones whilst me & Hannah got sweaty hands & nervous giggles* Such brave lil boys, such big boys!! Adventurous, courageous & curious to explore. So magical. Jasper got his gifts at Nannas that evening from everyone & jeez the boy got spoilt. He has a full on collection & then some of Marvel heroes, clothing & a mini sized actual quad bike from his cray cray Uncles & Grampy!! I lost my breath watching him but he had so much fun & was a good boy & insisted on wearing his helmet & goggles hehe* He has been on his spiderman scooter running errands from room to room all day today. We had a nice, chilled, slow day today after yesterdays events. I got very brave & decided after exploring the Science museum for my birthday & not having enough time to do all the floors that I would go again with Darcey also in tow. Im like superwoman to be honest, tackling London solo is a mission let alone with two bubbas & a buggy* But we did it so well, both cherubs behaved so incredibly when I stated the next mission to them, step here, dont step there, keep close* But we had so much fun. On the train they enjoyed playing I spy & eating snacks then when we arrived we had to brave the tube which was so much easier than Gary feared!! Science museum was a blast, we looked at the amazing displays for the hunman body, space & played in the childrens area 'The Garden' & the google booth which had loads of interactive games & sensory activities for the bubbas. The happily danced along in the booth that recorded their shadows & played the funny shapes on the screen infront of them, we got a great souvineer too, another look inside me Usbourne book called See inside Planet Earth. After lunch we headed to the History museum for the Dinosaurs. The display was just immense & both kids nearly cryed with excitement. My damn camera battery had died so no shots taken but their adorable faces will be in my heart forever* There was mechanical small dinosaurs within the skeletol statues & fossils & at the end there was a giant T-rex that roared & moved, swinging his head to see you & blinking his scary orange eyes. Darcey was nervous but so brave & Jasper was just in awe. He stared so widely saying "Wow mummy". It excited them so much & they both had heaps of questions after. They now believe through most of their own ramblings that that is the T-rex's job & at night he gets paid & buys yummy food & runs aound a rooftop garden to stretch his legs! I cant believe how lucky I am to have such beautiful, happy cubs & such a supportive, gorgeous baby daddy in Gary for trusting me totally even though he had a near on heart attack when I told him my plans to take both kiddy winks to London. It was the most incredible day & the train home was so much fun. Jasper slept the whole way so me & Darcey had some time together & we just had such giggles. Crisp fights, kiss fights & blink fights. She sat on my lap facing me, giggling away with crispies all in her teeth & never looked more stunning. She was so happy in that moment, i didnt care if her loud laughs were annoying train commuters or that her tiggles were bloody horrid (i hate being tiggled)* We had such a brilliant, magical, care free, childesh day* Love love love 143

Happy birthday Jasper Casey

 happy 3rd birthday cherub pie** my big brave action hero boy! You are so grown up, it's incredible to me the pull of emotion I feel around ur birthdays, reliving those first few days when we were so delicate with you, when we cleaned your face each morning so gently with cotton balls & water, so sensitive & tender with ur handling. the magical snuggle ups me and daddy adored with you in the middle of us cosy in bed, daddy & I just so absolutely crazy in love with you. I do so miss your little snoring snuffles, your "achoo ahhhh" sneezes & your adorable suckle when feeding. Your skin is still milky soft* I miss these sweet bubb but I am so very proud of the darling boy you have become, I am consumed & overwhelmed by my love for you, the beauty u hold & quite frankly the absolute gorgeousness of your angel face* you are my mini dimple king and my gosh I adore you. My heartbeat, enjoy your special day xxx your mummy moo poo poo head!! :):)

four years over

So this past week I met up with an old friend for a playdate. She has a son Jaspers age & a daughter ( little Lily) who is 22 months old. We were playing for over three hours & Lily was such a cutie, confidently playing with me, talking with me & accepting my hand to help her on the swings, me a complete stranger to her. Sitting down to lunch & chattin with her mama I realised Lily is the exact age Darcey doo was when I first met her. It transported me back, ignited all the memories that were hidden, fuzzy in my brain. It was so huge to me that lil Darcey was just a baby when I first came into her life & her into mine. Just a gorgeous cherub* Tiny, chubby cheeked, still in nappies & with a huge love of quavers* I was so much more scared of her than she was me to start. I didnt have friends with children or family with bubbas so I just didnt know how to carelessly let go & be silly without feeling insecure. But after a few meets she stayed at her daddys one evening & I did to. I made her dinner & helped with her bath & in the morning it was me who woke to her good morning calls. We snuggled on the sofa at 6am watching Milkshake. I made her drinks & a small breakfast & after an hour she fell asleep on me so I dozed off to. I was awoken to Gary smiling taking a pic on his phone. He said he loved me so truley that day & it was the moment I realised I had not only fallen for Gary but Darcey too. She was so giggly with me & clung to my hand when we were out. I spent money on new clothing, shoes & hair accessories for her. I brought her books & puzzles & my favourite movies from my childhood. She motivated me to be so much better, so selfless & so patient. My own mum had tears in her eyes praising me for being so wonderful to her, these words fuelled my desire to be everything to her. My weekends became about her, parks, seaside trips & soft play fun. Gary & I became so much stronger with the encouragement of her love & happiness with me. We became a family fast & I have no regrets. Little Lily and her innocence & happy confidence around me showed me that I was really so right in my approach with Ducky, loving her too much was never an option, it happened because we both wanted it too...143 swet angel pie* ILY

A letter to a teenage me...

Dearest You, 

I recently just turned twenty eight. On appearence people believe me to be a teen mum with added stereotype & attitude. Really not much has changed but it got me thinking of how far i really have come since those teen years. The years I dreamt of being older, the unknown adulthood that made me anxious & excited at the same time. Being under the same roof & care of my dear family, my twinny boo by my side for literally everything. The good & the bad.  

First things first, you achieved the dreams...you have lived very fortunate early adult years & have followed an unbelivabley bright path. You made your achievements happen so be proud. You travelled half way across the world alone in search of adventure, the fizz of your daily existence being that you seek experience & a journey in everything & everyone. You have gained the truest friends & lost a few. You have understanding & knowledge that you desired to have, clinging on to facts that interest you & that you have now interested your own children with. Yes, you have two beautiful angels. One born to you & one a blessing to behold. Darcey and Jasper. They are your heart beat & smile. Given to you by the most incredible studley, your wonderful boyfriend. You are happy, content & so very accepting & patient with the world now. No more tears over reflections in the mirror & being the odd one out. You are still a black sheep. Your love for vintage floral things makes your friends giggle at how oldy you are. Your quirky & so uncool. But in a good way. You wont be bullied for this anymore. You care for your health now not the number on the scales & your interests, hobbies, loves & priorities revolve pretty much solely around your wonderful cherubs now not your appearence or selfishness. You were selfish* You understand the true meaning to sister as you have grown with the most beautiful, loving sisters. Joey has by far earnt her nickname of cuteness. She still is so very cute, such a darling & so honest, a great friend, a brilliant sister & an outstanding auntie. Your twinny boo, well she is still right by your side. She is such an adoring auntie to both Jasper & Darcey and is quick to teach be it new words, cool dance moves of most recently how to ride her horses. You are in contact everyday, you have an incredible love for each other (you love her minions*) & now if you fight you crave the serenity to stop being stubborn & just apologise rather than harbouring hatred as teenagers know to do so well. You are so unaffected by negativities that do not hold with you, will not accept untrue facts but are still very much an emotional wreck with your senses overwhelming you most days. Be it happy or sad. You are not bipolar haha, just a tad over emotional still. Not everything worked out on the route you thought best taken, but you learnt from it & that is so very valuable. 

You still have a huge love for reading & as futuristic technology goes you own twelve books on one handheld tablet called a kobo (basically what you used to always invent in your conversations with twinny on those nights your heavy books hurt your hands). You still love crime documetarys & reality tv. You have a passion for vintage clothing & household items, shabby chic you call it. You adore walks along the beach & around Swanbourne lake & realise how wonderful living on the south downs right by the sea is, so I guess, you appreciate nature. See that makes me old, Im nearly thirty!! eek...

You are well travelled & have had some amazing family trips away. You also travel to Australia, some what in a confused escape but hugely for seeking life on your terms. You work to fund a trip for three months up the east coast, these memories will never leave you & the friends you made are always in your heart, they made you feel energised to be you, they believed in you & affirmed your independance & security within yourself. 

You live everyday for the child you created. Your happiness is shown in him, he exudes contentment, blissful happy bunny that he is. You call him studley & he calls you poo poo head* You were made for each other. Your body changed dramatically with your heart in overload when he was born. Your heart beats irregularly when he steals hugs & kisses from you & with those darling words "I love you mummy, i do.."

And you have demolished the disney tale of the wicked step mother theory, you are a wonderful mother to a child you did not create. You have a brilliant relationship & your love for one another is different, its special & unique like you both. You are entrapped by her curiosity & shy qualities. She was the making of you as a mother & regardless of what happens from now into your elderly years you will always be grateful for her innocent love & the teachings she blessed you with, you will always love her. You have their amazing daddy to thank for your blessings too, he is an adorable, dimple king who has hold of your heart & soul & i wouldnt choose a better partner, you did so good* 

You have so much more to encourage you than you realise, you have a wonderful life. You made it that way & so for that I am so so proud. Your decisions, directions & journey were right. Stay true. 

143 x

ps- you actually get over yourself, stop taking selfies so often & learn to smile not pout**

boo boo nearly not two...

The studley bubb, the love of my life & the beat of my heart! The happiest Jaspey pie you will ever know of...he's turning three in three days. This is hard to fathom, exciting, scary, overwhelming & intense. I just cannot believe this happy little angel has been in my heart for so long now. Its going too quick, each day an exciting new beginning, each day just the happiest existence with my happy cherub. I have just not enough words of love to describe how amazing Jasper is. How amazing these three years have been & continue to be. My love is just explosive, a spilling over huge feeling in my body that I just am so in awe of to this day. Im so immensley proud of the bubba he has become, the lil man, my Jasper Casey Harrison as he now says...

People tell me how brilliant he is, how wonderful his personality is & the character he posseses is just so cheeky & fun. I even had my girlies recently saying they were going to hand their newborns to me for the first few years so their children will be as beautifully behaved & loving as my stud. Cant get better than that really. Today we had a kiss up. Its our game he says. Basic rules are who can kiss the biggest kiss* Best game ever. We had a leavers party from his pre-school & his art was displayed on the walls & his friends hugged him goodbye for the summer. He climbed the big scary wall at the beach & survived with no scratches. He unbuckles his seatbelt when the car has stopped & says "Im a big boy, I did it!", he trys to wipe his botty himself, every sentance is "I do it mama." He is not a baby, hes not a toddler, he is a boy. Officially...

Im not sure if it hurts or not. I dont yearn for him as a baby, i miss it for sure but Im so in love with the special boy he is that I dont really think of it but it is quite profound to me, age 3. The next birthday he has is his last as a non educated small child. Its all just so intense. For his birthday weekend we have the annual Firestation day event to attend on Saturday, he can ride in a neenaw & induldge in his love for emergency vehicles with a picnic & like last year he can dance along to the live band!! Then on Sunday we have a day out planned with friends & family to Washbrooks Farm. It has the best bouncy pillow ever & huge amount of park equipment to enjoy, zip wire, indoor slides & soft plays & obviously animals to pet & a tractor to ride. We have been having amazing weather this summer so Im hoping it holds out* We have an array of Marvel characters items to give him for his birthday, next dress up outfit being superman, new spiderman clothing & figures, Joey has a spiderman scooter for him & Bella an Iron Man figure. His favorite things ever just now. Anything Marvel or playdough* Cannot wait to celebrate the life of the best soul to grace this wonderful world...143 Jaspey boo, u are my happiness & heartbeat*

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