hiM & heR

Hes obsessed with lego, marvel lego, chima, ninjago. Well any kind really* (and his computer game!) He sings in tune & has the sweetest little voice. Hes gotten really goofy. You know like when little boys just act silly & raar & jump alot! The cutest geeky moments** His best friendship group is changing but hes not fazed & has new ones in mind. He has a list of potential best mates haha!! He loves his after school club Beefit, the parachute & trampoline are his favourites. He can sign quite a lot of words & enjoys learning more, well done Daddy :) He pulls those silly faces using hands & giggles ferociously when caught. His reading is out of this world incredible #proudmama. He brings home folded up papers with the sweetest notes & pictures scribbled. He is writing sentences in his own way & spelling most how it is said. Most recent one was his 'Krismas' list for later this year!! (haha) He is very active & literally has abs! He loves doing handstands & rolley pollies. He likes cutting paper up & drawing Darcey pictures. Is wanting to help a lot in the kitchen with cooking or serving dinner & is madly in love with chilli wraps & tomatoes just now.

Slightly obsessed again with water beads, slushies & stencilling his hand*

She is wholey becoming a sport fanatic. She loves collecting her match attax cards, seeing if she got a Manchester United shiney. Desperately wants her own football kit & shoes & is doing incredible in her boxing lessons. She is as fast as a cheetah running & loves seeing Nannas horses for a short ride bare back* She loves being in huge open space so on the downs, at a National trust park or at the beach is her most happiest* She is so attached to her teddies & has her favourites that are her cuddle buddies at night. She still likes to have help washing, brushing her teeth & getting dressed. Its not lazy, she just likes to feel looked after. Shes still struggling with her own likes toy wise so is mainly into whatever Jasper is although it differs in  her favourite Lego character, it still seems to be Ironman or Venom. She likes to see photos I have taken of her now but it still painfully shy of having her photo taken. But if I flipagram her a set she is beaming* She loves bowling & is dam good at it! And playing keep me up with balloons. She was so excited to have matching shoes with Jasper & is really into learning about space & the milky way. Asks often to go to London again. Is struggling to show softer emotions recently & is having a tough time but still glimmers with her silly humour* Loves to take the mickey out of accents & hand gestures we all do*

143 cutie tuttis

Nanny Faraway*

Its late at night now, the day has passed by easy but once i was alone & midnight approached my resolve dropped & the pain of another year gone without my dear nanny has me so sad & the ache thats buried so tightly becomes over bearing & a real acute pain in my whole body. I will never be rid of this feeling when Im most vulnerable & the image of her blonde hair, soft bronzed skin in my most favourite dress she wore pops in my brain. My mind is numb but so wired with memories. My mamas poem 'The Lighthouse' echoes & my heart is thumping with remembering the day you had to leave. The tears are the messy kind* It doesnt get easier. I wish I could say Ive grown stronger to the hurt & absolute devastating heartache I feel when I truly let myself remember you. I tell Jasper about all you did as my Nanny, his beautiful great nanny. We walk past your home, living two minutes away & having Jaspers school friends living scattered around it is a curse & a blessing. Its a comfort to live so close to somewhere so special but nearing the 'Lighthouse' I get such anxious pangs of upset I have to swiftly push down. That home, it holds the greatest most incredible stories, playtime, love & feeling of family. Jasper goes to the same school you sent his Nanna. That too is so lovely, knowing you walked the same school route as I do. I walk those paths with my foot steps in yours & that to me is magic. I really should talk of you more, without tears, without the ginormous lump in my throat. I hope you are as proud of me as you were when I performed ballet recitals, had a successful school photo day, when I overcame some tricky teenage years & when I graduated college. I will always remember you shouting out, still so elegant but almighty proud when my name was called to collect my scroll. You were just beaming & that feeling is bottled within my soul. But thats honestly how I felt every time I saw my incredible Nanny Light. Joan Gladys Light. The most beautiful, adoring, lovable, sweet nan ever known. Truly so beautiful inside & out. An angel who blessed us with many years of immense happiness & love. Every occasion, holiday & visit heaped with perfection. The buffets made at last minute, the phone calls from the box outside on Sugden Road, that dress, playing North, South, East, West in your kitchen, the wooden swing chair, the blossoming flowers, the Laura Ashley stairway carpet, greensleaves playing in the trinket on your vanity, the shopping trips with Grampy in the car; rewarded with a McDonalds & strawberry milkshake & that dance, the last dance etched in my memory that is more powerful than any love song beating to my hearts rhythm. You are my most favourite memory. The most beautiful radiant sunshine in my life that left such a huge presence, such a legacy of family & love. My aspirations as a woman, mother, auntie & eventually Nanna are modelled on you* I miss you always & I know you know. I wish you could embarrass me once more, yodelling to get a cashiers attention, telling me no when I wanted a black velvet crop top & holding my hand through town when I was too young to realise Id never want to let go. My heart is yours. Forever & a day* Love & light. 143*

oh heart*

We have had so much turmoil going on these past months that have all made me feel vulnerable, weak & guarded but as a family we have remained strong, moving forward with hands clasped firmly together, hearts open to the sunshine positives that have also scattered like my sweet darling niece growing so well, Jaspey being so happy & confident & finally getting back in our home. But along the way, or really it was underlying all along, we have lost our shy girl to some very upsetting emotions & frustrations. She is pausing in time with hour long mood swings & jealousy tumbling out of her mouth at every instance. She has noticeably distanced herself from Jasper & I, cuddles are cold & I love you is strained. Its been so on & off but at the last stages of her time home with us in Easter half she became very cruel to her brother. She ruined her own fun by so suddenly switching moods & even her daddys love & kind words to coax her out failed. She is troubled & she is struggling which in turn makes us struggle as our hearts lay heavy. When she left it hurt worse. I wanted more time to support her lil lost heart & I wanted to try different paths to stop her upsets. Every single thing big or small triggered it. Jasper having more raspberries & tomatoes than her even though she had less as she really doesn’t love them but knows they are good for her, his school bag for P.E being a superheroes design when she isn’t allowed patterns at her school, him having less words to read in his library loans. With each quarrel she started she broke my lil studs heart, every single damn time he'd say "Ducky why are you being mean!" I ended up separating her from his play area & this had her in tears but not at her consequence for her mean behaviour, but again as she felt injustice & felt Jasper was favoured. Its just so bizarre, if anything when she is with us she is so spoilt with affection as we all want a little piece of our snuggle monkey. Its definitely hard for her to see new toys in the draws, a new key ring won at the arcade on Jaspey & I's solo date, even just different foods in the cupboards as selection for snack time that shes not got at home. All this is seen as Jasper having what she doesn’t. Even when she has noted that it made her feel sad & we have followed the next visit with said items for her she feels unfulfilled. She lacks oomph & energy in her character & is so unconfident, i dont mean that in a nasty way, but its so very sad as Jasper is coming into an age where he is so silly, bubbly & goofy. She has her moments but if you acknowledge with a smile that shes being funny she just clams right up. If you give compliments she gets greedy & seeks more in manipulative ways so will help with some chores then instantly say Im good for helping, Jasper is naughty because he didnt. Always a divide. Jasper just adores her & keeps his love coming ten fold, but this weekend when she left he didnt pine for her for the first time ever, he just kept saying "When i spoke Darcey never replied Mummy!" He was so honest in his sadness & that mama bear protective roaring instinct kicked in & just hurt so much for my boy but also for this sweet sweet cherub being so scarred by her exhausting, turbulent life. We have no clues other than the snippets she gives us about her home life but she has opened up about her school. She said she has 'overwhelming' times in class so she has to leave & see her other friendly teacher who makes her feel better, she has a book within school to write her feelings & is struggling with a few seven year old problems so also has a playground mentor. With this knowledge & the sudden decline in amazing days that are half term had started with, Gary decided to speak with her mum. Someone he tries extremely hard to be patient & amicable with, but she smirked & just kept stating that she doesn’t misbehave at home so the problem is with us. Gary tried to ask for support, if she could speak with their daughter & understand her feelings & why she feels so sad but she disregarded it as our problem, so we are to find the solution. The frustration is pretty heavy as we had hoped even if she did feel smug & in control that she would at least like to help Darcey become more confident & able to articulate these strong emotions she is going through, but she flat out declined to help & positively gleed on hearing we had struggled that week. I dont know why we expected any different but as my upsets on the situation are first & foremost for both my children being sad & confused by these huge feelings, I thought she would feel pangs of hurt for her daughters upsets. Over the week Ducky had hinted at feeling very guilty for loving me & Jasper & told Jasper he wasnt her real brother, her real brother was at her mummys. After explaining she was a tad embarrassed but still went on to say her family is daddy. She was so overpowered by competitive nastiness & jealousy when Gary was simply helping Jasper do his teeth or holding his hand. Rather than speaking about it she just acted out & caused a lot of upset for my full hearted studley. Even so he was still so eager to see her last night when she was due to ours for our weekend stay. But to add to the anxious enormity of the situation, her mother refused us our access stating wrongly it was her weekend with Darcey. Gary tried to communicate with messages & screenshot photos with dates on to prove we weren’t confused but to no avail. It isnt just frustrating, it is desperately painful when our son is left upset by her absence & our family is yet again rocked with upset by the same controlling woman who will for the next years be such a pain just to ease her selfish insecurities. It is making our sweet girly so turbulent in her status as a daughter, sister & family member to many, she is confused by her emotions good & bad. If she loves me, she is upsetting her mother, if she hates me it upsets her also, so she is constantly battling herself. This wont change until her mum shows acceptance of me. So in other words it wont change. The move forward now is yet again strained & a battle. Why cant it just for Darceys sake be easy. Not for mine or Garys. But for her & for my sweet darling boy who misses his sissy every single minute & who deserves a relationship with her better than this. Better than the confusing, anxious driven one. For these littles i wish only for peace in their hearts always when they think of family. I will not have this evil presence knock my sons life like it is knocking her daughters. Im guarding his lil heart from Darceys distruptions & will strive always to be 'mother' & all things related to that, all raw emotions related to that, for both my children. My beautys Ducky & Stud. I love u darling cherubs like you wouldnt believe. I will fight for you, i will stand strong, we will stand strong. We are a four whether apart or not. Keep those kisses tucked in your palm Ducky, we have yours saved in ours too. And always remember, the blossom, it always blooms just for you sweet girl...143

Home stretch*

This fire has aggravated such strong sad emotions for me. Ive lost myself for a bit here. The Sadness is overwhelming.  Fear & feeling vulnerable with questions interrupting happiness. Just overwhelming negatives have drained us. We are strong but weak. Living but not. We are struggling to come to terms with this. I know it seems so dramatic and writing this myself I am a tad struck with how deep I feel. I haven't written.  I haven't vented with any articulate reasoning. I don't know how to express how anxious I have felt. People say "Thank god you are alive and well." Of course I cling to this.  But I'm fragile and angry to be truthful. It was an accident.  A negligent accident that so nearly cost us. The frustration that the person who caused this has been so astonishingly un-remorseful is huge. Gary has been incredible.  He has still worked full time but he has kept us above water, he has kept spirits high, he has taken on new roles and provided so much & I see him to be a hero quite frankly.  He is working so hard on redecorating our home. All the items we did keep he has cleaned & he has worked tirelessly to get us a fair settlement to ease the financial worry of these few months and the burden of living away from our home and now having to start again. I'm so very lucky that family and friends have gifted us with new items for our home. We have been left with such a rushed ending to very confusing two months of living in hotels. They gave us a time frame that was impossible. Two days to clean and refurbish our home. It took one of these to handle the kitchen that was most damaged. The emotional cracks displayed as we entered our home again after so long.  Chucking out items that had been stained due to such a large time frame of being left soot covered.  I'm angry.  That makes me frustrated. The injustice boiling away in my core.  Gary being the therapy I need. He has been my absolute heartbeat. I'm not afraid to say I am weak. I'm far too sensitive and this has made me an intense worrier. He has such patience with me. Such a beautiful soul this king♡ We are on the home stretch but still holding such complicated stresses. I cannot wait to be back in but will it ever feel like my comfortable home again.  Living above the person that created this craziness is going to be testing!  Especially after the call she left me with before Christmas. We will see i guess. This is just an update and I'm going to absolutely get back full force into blogging of happiness and light that fills our family now. We are the strongest little unit, more so maybe because of this. That I will take from this awful nightmare. That and how generously loving even just with words people have been. I thank you, I know you'll be reading this so you know it's for u darlings.  Love and light ♡♡

I'm very aware that most of my posts are usually the positive side of parenting.  The happy beauty we are blessed with as mothers. But like many we have our difficulties.  Our issues with being co-parents for Dàrcey, bedtime tantrums, spoilt behaviour & the exhausting early starts from Ducky.  This week life took it up a notch. I'm writing this as it's the only therapy I know works for me. I'm exhausted beyond belief from the trauma & struggles we as a family have suffered this week. I can actually feel myself stunted writing the next words. We were in a house fire. The huge hurt in my chest is pulsing at the notion. We survived a fire & now we are dealing with the consequences.  I write this in a family room of a hotel our insurance has accommodated us with. It's a nice hotel, it's not a sofa or my brothers bed* (sorry for taking over your home for the week) it's emergency accommodation & I'm not ungrateful for the benefit but it's not home. It's devastating! We have no set plans for our favourite December day. Putting the tree up & shopping for a new bauble or dec. We may not be home in time for Christmas. Our lil home was smoke damaged severely & the basement flat below us where the fire was present is gutted. So until all the repairs, assessments & scary details are hashed out we will be living out of a bag each. We have been so well supported by the dearest friends & family. I am so overwhelmed by how amazing even my newest of friends have been. Jasper has been gifted with brave boy presents, he's had a few sleepovers with his Lil buddy's to help Gary & I & my amazing buddy who I didn't even know before school term started has been incredible to us. Having Jasper for us whilst we had to meet with loss adjusters & take detailed reports on the damage to our home & giving me a place to be when it was school time & i had no place to go.

Jasper my dear sweet angel has been so brave. We woke to the scariest image of a smoke filled home. It was pouring through the carpets & even with our high ceilings it surrounded our home quickly & made it scarily dark. The groggy confusion of waking to this scene & having to make sense of the situation, alert emergency services & try & be calm for him keeps replaying.  We are so very lucky to of woken. We were both suffering smoke inhalation without even knowing & had to be treated in hospital. More so my poor Bubb than me. He had low oxygen & extremely quick pulse.  He showed an adult wise understanding when I explained to him there was a fire when we got out on the front lawn in our dressing gowns, frozen & being watched by school run curiosity. Thank god no-one was in the fire below us & we were the only ones at risk. I will never forget the details of this slow motion horror. My darling Jaspeys face when he had a mask covering half of it, machines on his fingers & blood tests taken. Smiling his unsure smile, wanting reassurance & desperate to be on my lap & safe. He didn't show it then but he's been effected by this. He was too busy giggling at the blow up glove called Charlie Chicken & marvelling at all the fire fighters. Today Nanna asked him what his favourite thing is about the hotel. His stark response has floored me "When we get to go home!!" He had loved staying at Nannas & was so excited for the double beds adjacent to each other that he could jump to & throw on, i stupidly felt he was some what settled. But he wants home as much as we do. He wants his toys & his jammies & his bed. The out of control anxiety is overwhelming. We are safe but sleep is fitful. The worries of what next is too upsetting & like I say we are unsure if we will be in our home for Christmas.  Which has worried both cherubs no end as they are confused as to how Santa will know where we will be. Dàrcey even asked why Santa had let this happen to us. She had to miss sleeping over with us on our access & after having a good chat about the fire & fire saftey to ease her worries she still cried. She said she knows fire can kill & when her mum said she couldn't sleepover as we had a fire she had assumed we had gone. I'm so cross that she wasn't informed properly but also that really this has happened & it happened due to silly negligence that has got to be made aware. It was an accident no less but one that has turned our lives over. The small child who lives below us turned on the hob for his mother's electric oven. It heated up over time & set fire to toys & packages she had on top of her stove. We have lost our home because of such small actions. We almost lost a lot more which is the saving grace in all this that I cling to every single second.  It will be fuel for a better 2015. A better forward & happier times. But as you can imagine the what ifs creep in at points & the surreal, unbelievable events of this past week have sunk me low. I will endeavour to spread the word of fire safety & I am very pleased a lot of friends are listening & have got themselves smoke & carbon monoxide detectors. The smoke alarm did not wake us on this occasion,  once your being poisoned they rarely do. So I can't advocate a carbon monoxide detector enough also.  I don't feel better for writing this so that's shit!! But the awareness is what I must be pro active on, especially in this season when fire hazards are so prevalent.

My incredible little reader*

Tonight after choosing new Usborne first reading books from the library, Jaspey decided it was time to try & read one with me to Daddy & Darcey. We have very briefly touched on the concept of reading & he has spent each day from school showing me his lovely picture books & reading these from his own imagination what he believes the story to be. He has also had books with words but none that I would say coincide well with beginners. Since the end of his last term Jasper really understood that if you spell out individual letters in a word they sound like a word. At which he was inspired. So he has read cat, hat, is & it with confidence & pride. He has gained such an interest that I see reading becoming a hobby to him. I am the proudest Mama after he so enthusiastically & confidently read three pages to us & not only were they easy sound words, but also he sounded out roll & cannot to the point of figuring them out after playing with the letters out loud, not really knowing how six letters connected but then magically combining them all to this awesome bloody word. I was so excited & we all gave him such praise. It was just incredible, such a wonderful family moment. Boastful as I am my overwhelming pride just cannot contain. He is such a superstar my darling boy* 

Seaside wonder

Its so funny to me. Just recently we went down to the seaside on a cold, broody day but I had to resist letting the bubbas go down to the shoreline. The tide was going out, it was showing sand & this is their most favourite tide. Deep water to run & splash in but sand to create with too. But the funniest thing is nearly two years ago I wrote this post about the most exhilarating, silly, fun adventure we had at the beach. Freezing cold day & running in the sea. Anyhow, it became quite the tradition to go to the beach & run fully clothed in the sea on the most random of days. Of an evening after a very harsh workout, cooling off in the shallow water, my bag & trainers almost lost to the tide coming in. On playdates during the summer when we hadn't intended to head to the sea so had no swimwear & on a sun soaked evening walking with Grampy & his doggy. This particular evening Ducky asked if she could paddle, she had her sandals on & was splashing & letting the waves chase her. I was throwing stones into the water for Roxy & look up to boo being waist deep in water, on her knees in the low tide playing with the sand beneath. I loved it entirely for the simple fact that she knew I would allow this. She knew her care free silly time is exposed when she hits the seaside. She is such a shy lil bubb, very unsure of her place in the world just now & is very strict on herself. I remember once taking her to the beach to just scream. We sat & had ice cream on a warm evening & I said to her its fun, its okay. She just couldn’t do it. Then a few weeks later she was there at the waters edge screaming, laughing, being crazy fun loving child. These moments are full of adventure & childish delight. I absolutely revel in the fact they both adore this silly tradition now but also if we have a place to be after a stroll to the seafront I do have to keep them off the stones otherwise one glance away & their knees are wet :):) My funny little munchkins. Come rain, snow or sunshine, we will always be seashore worshippers <3

And the pool at the park too**

Our happy place*

Swanbourne lake in Arundel was always a lovely stroll of a weekend date day for me & Gary when I first came back from Australia. Its the first outdoor visit I had with Darcey in tow when I met her. I have photos of me with a large baby bump waddling along after feeding the ducks & it has been a constant in all seasons as our most favourite go to for my lil famalam. It holds such beauty, adventure, happiness & sunshine. Even in the rain light bounces off the lake creating such stunning natural beauty. The ducks feed out of your palm & the amazing Arundel Castle is in view on the stroll around the lake. Fields with high hills to tumble down, rabbit holes to search in & trees roots to climb. It is such a perfect location. It is such a beauty spot Im inspired by & I look at my darlings in the light reflecting off the water & just beam. I have always been so in awe of nature, its stunning vision. I have travelled to some incredible scenic views in my years, but those close to home always jut me a little more. I love that I live a short drive from such history & even though my sponge brain does not hold all the information on each idealic town & building, I love them. We had another gorgeous fun filled day here today with some very dear friends & their daughters, lil blondie sunbeams. When friendships grow as strong as family it makes me so very happy!! Plus they may one day be Jaspers in-laws as Livi has declared Jasper is hers to marry & love <3<3 haha. Today was a brilliant day* 143

Jasper Casey

Recently time has flown by far too fast for my liking. I got told about this of course, by other mummys with their lil beauts already in school. But wow, time is ticking by. The daily routine & chores are the biggest portion of the day. School has taken over* I miss my boy so much. I miss the days we used to stay in our onsies & just play & craft & eat lunch at 11am. I miss the day trips I'd plan, the train rides to these locations, the leaflets collected stashed in my bag, his map reading. I miss the park visits, the coffee dates & play dates all day every day. Jasper had his first half term & then in a kind of god send type way he got poorly. Due back on the Tuesday after an inset day, but off school for three extra days. Cuddled up to me mostly, puzzles that have been untouched since term start were done twice in a day, we coloured in his books he got months ago, we finished his Alphablocks magazine. I said Yes to his many requests. More smoothie please, can u snuggle with me please, can u read me stories in the bath please. I have craved this much needed time for just me & him. We both needed it & it was a blessing even though he had to feel poorly for it to happen. We are now in the education bubble & it feels sad to say but I am already looking forward to the next half term. I find myself just watching him. He always catches me after a minute or two & giggles shyly, but then follows up so cutely with "Love you Mama." I just adore his lil chubby cheeks, his expressions are so funny & his lil character is just displayed in every movement he makes. I am so in awe of our beautiful creation. Gary & I often talk about how insanely proud we are of him & lucky we are to have such a sweet natured dear boy who just loves to love. Tonight in the car i reached back to hold his hand. He squeezed mine like his daddy does. Its an obvious lil thing that two squeezes each means I love you. Jasper has started to do this as he knows it makes his mama happy, he told me so. Isnt that just the cutest* I steal kisses when he sleeps & still get all the cuddles I could ask for. But my lil man is changing in the rushing time past. He is growing faster & stronger & is so wise & funny. He has new moles on his body, odd but that's what he has always focused on as another stage into big boy hood* He'd count them in the shower & shout out "Mama ive grown some more i have a new mole!!" His left eye is edged with the cutest freckles. His feet are ginormous. His clothes size has gone up. Just growing so perfectly. He managed to after many attempts climb a little wall last week. He couldn't figure it out for a while & then boom. He got it. He was hugging me so excited & just said "Mummy my body it, did u see, i wanted to do it & my body did!" He was so impressed with himself. He is my sunshine & hope. My absolute all. My Jasper Casey Harrison. 143*

Halloween 1/2

We recently had Studleys first half term. It was the most awesome fun week. Gary had time off & we had extra quality time with Darcey doo too. Mega hours as a family, treating ourselves to day trips & yummy lunches. Exploring new locations & creating with new messy play ideas. We even had some sunshine to inspire our first shaving foam fight!! Times like these are what family, my darling family breathe for* We also had a lot of fun with new really messy play activities, a uv light halloween night. Playdates with Jaspers new buddys Harry, Poppy & her adorable lil bro Teddy & his ol bestys Eddie & Lilly. Cinema trip, coffee dates, trick or treating, walks to the beach in the rain & still time to do homework & reading fun* 143 <3<3<3