Friday, 7 June 2013

flashback friday**

My beaut pumpkin pies posing for a picture for daddys Christmas gift 2011. They absolutly loved the idea of giving daddy a present that had their sweet cherub smiles on it* My photography skills arent brilliant but it was an art form in itself capturing this with two chatty, excited bubbas** <3

Christmas 2010. This photo is one of my favourites of them all. You can see so perfectly their daddys features they were blessed with, they look so idealic, perfect brother & sister. Right before this Darcey had been tiggling Jaspey & smooching his cheeks. Right after they were holding hands & giggling* My happy heartbeats xx  143

Beautiful boy*

i Love that my goodnight kisses tiggle ur ears. That u breathe ur little sleepy "love u more more". That u still cling to ur dummy on occasions and make my heart urge for that baby you to be asleep on my chest, sucking your dummy and sleeping heart to heart. People tell me u need to get rid of the dummy but tbh it's been such a pull for me to let go of. At Christmas u gave ur dummies to the 'baby elves', that was it, but I sometimes just give u one because I know it makes u really happy, they make u feel comfortable and safe and warm for sleep time and that little sucking sound is such a pull on my heart strings. I miss the baby you. It's been nearly three years of u being my sweet baby and then bam, u wake up talking sentences, pulling your sleeptime nappy off to use the big boy toilet, running faster than me and that's it, transition made, ur a boy. Not a toddler or a baby, a big boy, a grown up boy, u go to big boy school and wear big boy clothes. Not labelled by months but years. It's hard to grasp that my sweet angels birth day was all that time ago. I remember vividly so much about ur baby years, documented by videos and photos too but in my heart just so outstanding overwhelmingly happy memories. It shocks me how much love i feel with life, with the family we have. Created in a muddle of wrong turns and half not physically my own doing but mine to love all the same. We call ourselves 'The Harrisons' and one day i know we will be fully just that. The man I call baby daddy, dimple king will become hubby, Studley hubb...
My heart is displayed physically so often now as if the surge of bliss just consumes my body that I have to touch, kiss and hug my dears. I often do my best thinking lying with Jasper whilst he is asleep just stroking his back & feeling like electric warmth, inspiration and happiness is just radiating off him, sounds a bit too hippyish but I think most Mama's will get what I mean :):) It makes me need to hug him tightly, kiss his gorgeous head, his chin & his shut eyes. It gives me the urge to squeeze him awake just to have a quick exchange once more of I love you's. I just love him so overwhemingly.
 I am so grateful for what I have, the lovely life I can enjoy & cherish. This blog post by Lucy at 'Dear beautiful boy' made me cry it hit my heart so much. Its as if my words were picked out of my brain & filtered so lovingly to someones more poetic, articulate words & then I just agreed nodding & crying tears knowing I feel so happy too, so in love with the life I have. Ive infact been told to that my posts here must be fabricated or elaborated as surely I have much more niggles, stresses & upsets as a family, especially a split family. But this inspired me, I am truley insanely happy with my blessing in my given, created,chosen family & I am writing from the heart & choose to be happy, end of...Anyway here it is in all its inspiring glory** 

Choose to be happy, choose to be positive. 143**

darling ducky doo, i miss you**

Missing my lil angel tonight. Seriously just hate that we dont get to even speak on the phone or send mail with magazines & candy to her to show her were always thinking of her & if I buy Jaspey a magazine I wanna spoil her too. I always get her one for when she gets to ours but its just a hard one. Would really like to connect with other step mamas & see what life is like for them, do I love Darcey too much?? or is there others out there like me that regardless of bearing that child or not love them unconditionally. Maybe one day it will all make sense but for now there is so many questions I bully myself with, peoples comments good & bad & I do i guess battle with the instinct I feel for Jasper that I genuinally dont have with Darcey. She isnt my daughter so I dont have that mama bear bond with her in that sense so if there is any arguement or an upset I instictivally want to protect Jasper but thats the only difference I feel when I view my relationships with these adorable souls. And i think thats only fair, Darcey has her own mothers bond to cherish & may feel to put on if I over bare her with too much mothering but at the same time I fear so much she feels like the odd one out. All very difficult, confusing, challenging. I just love her so very much. Holding her on our trip out last Saturday when she was sleepy I just felt my heart fizzing when she snuggled into me & clung to my arm. She is so beautiful. She is so innocent & bloody adorable & kissable. 
It's so painful that often when I feel the desire to tell her we miss her or love her that that feeling is so unfulfilled as we can't sneak in her bedroom and kiss her sticky sleepy forehead, we can't hug her indoors from her day at school and we can't even just call her and say I love you honey. Breaks our hearts. We do however have a holiday coming up where we will be one whole family for a week and this has never before been granted to us and we are so so excited for this. Wake up as a family, have breakfast for 7 days as a family and well every meal time, eat ice creams round the pool and make people jealous by our family togetherness, them not knowing how desperate for years we have wanted this time with Darcey doo. I'm excited to hug her close every day and be carefree with her. There is children's fun park & pool, discos and swimming pool activities, they can get podgy on ice cream with the pennies everyone has been giving them since we booked the holiday and we will just be a proper full time family, total bliss and loving ness (not a word but its what's in my head!!) Two weeks today & I can hug her every single day, Im going to annoy her no doubt with so much love & smooches** I just cant wait, countdown has begun...but for tonight, I miss you darling, we miss you. 143**

my heartbeat**