Missing my lil angel tonight. Seriously just hate that we dont get to even speak on the phone or send mail with magazines & candy to her to show her were always thinking of her & if I buy Jaspey a magazine I wanna spoil her too. I always get her one for when she gets to ours but its just a hard one. Would really like to connect with other step mamas & see what life is like for them, do I love Darcey too much?? or is there others out there like me that regardless of bearing that child or not love them unconditionally. Maybe one day it will all make sense but for now there is so many questions I bully myself with, peoples comments good & bad & I do i guess battle with the instinct I feel for Jasper that I genuinally dont have with Darcey. She isnt my daughter so I dont have that mama bear bond with her in that sense so if there is any arguement or an upset I instictivally want to protect Jasper but thats the only difference I feel when I view my relationships with these adorable souls. And i think thats only fair, Darcey has her own mothers bond to cherish & may feel to put on if I over bare her with too much mothering but at the same time I fear so much she feels like the odd one out. All very difficult, confusing, challenging. I just love her so very much. Holding her on our trip out last Saturday when she was sleepy I just felt my heart fizzing when she snuggled into me & clung to my arm. She is so beautiful. She is so innocent & bloody adorable & kissable.
It's so painful that often when I feel the desire to tell her we miss her or love her that that feeling is so unfulfilled as we can't sneak in her bedroom and kiss her sticky sleepy forehead, we can't hug her indoors from her day at school and we can't even just call her and say I love you honey. Breaks our hearts. We do however have a holiday coming up where we will be one whole family for a week and this has never before been granted to us and we are so so excited for this. Wake up as a family, have breakfast for 7 days as a family and well every meal time, eat ice creams round the pool and make people jealous by our family togetherness, them not knowing how desperate for years we have wanted this time with Darcey doo. I'm excited to hug her close every day and be carefree with her. There is children's fun park & pool, discos and swimming pool activities, they can get podgy on ice cream with the pennies everyone has been giving them since we booked the holiday and we will just be a proper full time family, total bliss and loving ness (not a word but its what's in my head!!) Two weeks today & I can hug her every single day, Im going to annoy her no doubt with so much love & smooches** I just cant wait, countdown has begun...but for tonight, I miss you darling, we miss you. 143**
my heartbeat**
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