With a heavy heart I write this not knowing for sure whether I should but in need to express my thoughts. Alot has happened since Sunday night so my lateness for this post is granted but the thoughts are still haunting me really. Im desperate to be able to call you & ask how you are or come get u from school & have some Cara & boo time. It was half term last week so u were off school so from thursday morning to sunday night u were all ours, the Harrison family was together just how it feels right. Daddy had time off work & we as always had amazing, great adventures. It was uncle Sam & uncle Nick's shared birthday & we celebrated well including a huge surprise party for Sammy G on saturday night. U were so confident & looked so so beautiful. You danced away. head bobbing, feet two stepping & ran around with Jasper & Evelyn for hours. You so didnt want to leave as u had such a great time. On sunday u got to see Skye & went bowling with daddy, Uncle Craig & Ana whilst Jaspey slept for four hours (tired pooped bubb). We made hats for Sam & Nick and birthday cards. As always you were magically good, always such a sweet angel & so well behaved but you had a few moments were u seemed so sad. I spoke to u & asked you softly how u felt & u would just hug me. U said "Nothing" or would just stare & shut off. I had a nice talk with u & explained u need to be a five year old & just have fun, not be sad for big girl problems etc. We spoke of the fun things a five year old should experience & u asked also for a list of six year olds as u will be six next. But the real thing is u were sad, something underneath it all was a lost little Darcey & it hurt so bad to see. U shut off & absolutely wont talk of any emotions u feel, u dont speak of ur life with ur family when we dont see u, u rarely speak of school & any questions we ask always get brushed off for different conversation or off to play. This has always troubled me and daddy but its even more prominent now your seeming quite guuarded about ur life at mummys. Its so sad as we tried so hard to make your mummy see that co-parenting between us all would be such a benefit & I was sure i would be friends with ur mum as that is civil & apt for a split family but im so sorry to u darling that it has not been this way. We always have such amazing experiences, days, adventures but u seem lost recently Darcey, its breaking my heart and daddy cant register it, he doesnt want to. On Sunday evening we dropped you home & as usual it wasnt rushed or unexpected. U are given warnings as to when u are to return to ur mummys & usually seem to except this but on occassion get very sad & beg to stay more at daddys. I hope sweet darling one day u will understand we would of had u here forever if we could, its just not that easy. Im ur step mummy, u are not of my blood & we dont share the same characteristics but we love each other so truley & i can only hope u have that with ur mummy. We dropped u home & as soon as we pulled up to ur home u were in tears, Jasper was sad aswell as he hates saying goodbye to u. You climbed onto my lap & we hugged so tightly & after soothing u & explaining the situation u seemed to calm & we kissed u & daddy held u tight and took u to ur mummys door. U started sobbing again & ur mum greeted u with such anger that u were very shocked & before daddy could explain the situation the door was shut. I feel haunted & sick to my stomach thinking of ur darling heart being so sad & not gettin the comfort a child needs, im devastated u are not being hugged tight & cherished after not seeing ur mum for four days & our hearts break having to leave u when it feels so unnatural. We felt like we should be saving u but there was no lawful thing we could have done. The hurt is so immense & we cryed all the way home. I promise u now, this will not happen again. I will protect u anyway I can from the hurt a five year old should never know. Darling Darcey, my love for u is so bewitching, so amazing. You are not my child but i love you so much. One day sweet baby, one day i promise, you will always smile. You will make your own choices & make good decisions & not be so closed. I will keep pushing for the break in your heart to heal, whatever I can do I will, daddy & Jasper also. Words cannot describe the sadness of leaving you each week. One day we will have a different way...we love you, i love you to the truest form. 143**
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
We had another brilliant adventure this weekend. It was our time with Darcey doo home & i wanted to plan more adventures & fun for my sweet cherubs. I had wanted to run on the sand with Jasper & Darcey since I looked out the windows at work & saw children & dogs running around at low tide, splashing in the shallow waves & getting mucky on the wet sand. So after a hot drink to warm us we headed to the beach. It was so very cold but we were wrapped up so snug & the bubbis were so excited to chuck rocks into the sea that i couldn’t break our plans. Im a little organiser & plan to the last detail so i had spare socks & hats, gloves & snacks to keep them happy if it got too much. We managed to get Meemaw in on the cold quest too :) We got to the sea & Darcey instantly had rocks in her hand chucking them at the deep grey, murky surf. It was so muggy & typical February weather, the air was damp & it was cold but the giggles warmed us. Jasper was terrified but humoured by the crashing waves, the tide was coming in & there was no sand to be seen ( I blame the café as they had a toy area for children & we got stuck there longer by a headless spiderman & mini keyboard). Anyhow, after a time Darcey asked if she could paddle. Im usually excited to know the munchkins wanna explore & be crazy, im definitely not too strict in what is right or wrong appropriate wise as a child. Fun to me & fun to a child is so different so I usually try hard to go with it & see where it takes us. I had my anxieties that she would want to leave straight away as the water would freeze her toes but seeing her little shy heart beam when she ran away from the first few scary waves was just amazing. She had such a presence that radiated fun & excitement & in those moments we just loose ourselves. Once she was in to her knees & shrieking with laughter, running at us with the biggest smiles, I decided it was time me & Jasper went in with our amazing sweetpea. Jasper was in awe of his big sisters fearless, animated behaviour but was rather apprehensive that the waves weren’t infact as fun as they seemed. So singing, smiling & holding his hand we shuffled to the waters edge & when a wave lapped we would run away frantically chuckling at our escape. Holding my beautiful babys hands laughing like we laughed is just the happiest, heart bursting love. Sure enough after less coaxing than I thought was needed me & Jasper joined cherub cheeks in the water (meemaw had posh shoes on & was on camera duty, good excuses really!!) It was beyond bloody freezing & yes there is need to swear, it was god damn ice cold. But so exhilarating…I felt like it was as good as walking on hot coals for my lil rascals. We had such a moment & it was wonderful. Needless to say we really didnt stay long as my numb feet were having trouble carrying my weight & Jasper being the smallest had a wave lap up his little behind & had a "wet willy mummy" haha :):) I so embrace the amazing ability to feel so energised by my lovely munchkins activities & loose myself in the stupidity & recklessness of being a child. So this day I loved because it was reckless & beyond fun. 143**
Monday, 4 February 2013
So Im dedicating some words to my little handsome Studley who has stayed overnight with Auntie Jojo & Weasel, as Im missing him so much I thought id come talk about him**
My happy heartbeat astounds & overwhelms me everyday. He is so amazingly happy & so selfless & caring. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I felt such huge pride in this adorable baby we had created, little did we know we were being blessed with an angel* No step from feeding, bathing, sleeping or potty training has been a disaster or frustration. Potty training a boy is notoriously difficult apparently but my munchkin decided that he enjoyed the praise Evelyn & Gracey got from successful potty trips that at 16months he had his own potty & by 21 months he was dry each day. I never really took much credit for my patience & perseverance because in reality, Jasper loved the idea of wee weeing in a potty, he felt proud of himself & adored the congratulations he received & so he really did work hard himself to be out of nappies. He absolutely knows he has amazed many a health visitor, nursery carer or new mummy friend. He even inspired a few of his friends mummys to train their own children when they saw him successfully & happily using his potty so young. His feeding has always been amazement to me too, never ever in his whole 30 months now has he not tried a food Ive put infront of him. He states lovingly "Mmm lovely mummy" to my home made stews, soups & spaghetti sauce (some of his favourites). He helps me cook & bake sometimes & loves helping butter his toast or pouring his milk! Ive never pressured, if he doesnt like a food, I know & i dont try him with it for at least 6 months, and you can guarantee after 6 months, he will try that food & enjoy it!! His sleeping was a lil hard at first, newborn stage is a given but by 5 months he was demanding his dummy every few hours at night. After reading a brilliant book I followed a guideline for controlled crying and after just 5 nights he decided that the dummy wasnt that important, he held onto it for a few more years though & just this Christmas we got rid of them for good, to baby elves that need them*
He is like a lil sponge soaking up so much knowledge & wisdom in small daily tasks & through singing he has learnt a lot more words & his numbers to seventeen. He is so wonderfully confident, happy & charming. Im so in love with the boy he has become, the toddler who is so active & excited, so loving & sweet & so funny & adorable. We’ve hardly seen a flicker of terrible two’s which being such an independent, feisty boo I thought would be imminent, he is just so content.
Just now he has an almighty obsession with Spiderman which is confusing as he has never watched it, but he says “Spiderman neenaw” because he has the colour red on him so Im assuming his undying love for fire engines, Fireman Sam & the colour red have made him attracted to Spiderman! So we brought him a Spiderman outfit & just recently we found a fire engine toy driven by Spiderman (can u get any better than that haha)** He adores Roxy, Nanna’s doggy & going for walks with her. He loves chucking stones into the sea & the new park built like a pirate ship!! He LOVES cake with so much passion its hilarious* He can read his ‘Just like Jasper’ book word for word & still adores Toy Story & Buzz Lightyear. We’ve started more arts & crafts activities & he enjoys the messiest of course, Playdough & painting!! We go to singing group & Activ8 & biased of course he is the most confident & willing bubba there, singing loud & clear & dancing along to his own tunes. He loves walking in the rain, splish splashing in puddles, he's fascinated by huge tree's & picks daisy's for me & daddy* He loves anything that has wheels, bikes & neenaws are his fave but if you can make a vroom noise whilst playing with it, thats magic* He loves fish, & Santa (even though Christmas was weeks back he still gets out his Christmas sticker books) & baking with mama. He really is a giggle monster & has everyone around him smiling with affection, even walking of the bus he waves bye bye first to the passengers & then a huge bye bye & thank you to the driver. Yes, writing it now, you can see, no lies, he is an angel…the most amusing, beautiful child I could have wished for & such a delight to everyone. This sounds rather boastful but I do have such pride in my amazing son, it is beyond magically wonderful that I was blessed with my scrumptious love-a-kins** 143