Saturday, 27 April 2013

new album

newest piccys. If this album doesnt knock your socks off with how damn cute my kids (and baby daddy) are then I dont know what will...apart from baby penguins are ridiculously cute ;) 

hiccups ;)

so the hiccups I consider to be a daily bug that I guess niggle our Harrison household!! Getting the hang of this honestly malarky!!
  • jasper brushing his teeth-he just loves brushing the wall too
  • garys biting his nails, the sound every single bloody time were sitting together is just yuck*
  • me well im just perfect!! okay i am too distracted by twitter, fb, daily mail, blogging...
  • darcey, well she can manipulate any situation to her advantage but as a fellow manipulator im on to her!! 
  • jaspey gettin crumbs, full blown splats of porridge & juice on our lovely new carpet
  • toys everywhere, pick em, tidy up time, then out again, same basket, ten times a day
  • anytime i choose to snack the bubbas hang off my hips like feral starved foxes
  • cant pee or poop in private
  • havent not been busy at 7pm for over 2 years now!! #bedtimeroutine
  • washing machine being below the drying washing up, smashed plates many a time putting a washload on spin!!
  • darcey waking up at 5am at weekends #ouchyeyesandhead
thats all I can think of, pretty easy problems really...

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Realist* 143

So Im now an avid follower of a few other blogs I have stumbled across through twitter & BritMums. I read them for inspiration but also too as I am pretty nosey. Its nice to read of other like wise mums wanting to express their love, humour & adventures with their own bubbas. Anyhow I came across a post of 'Our we being truthful, real enough when we post. Or are we generating blogs full of adoration for little angels we wish our little me's were?'
This got me thinking & it kind of annoys me that Im just not funny enough to be a humour filled blog & my own characteristic of soppy, slushy over emotional heart spills onto the pages but I do truley write from my heart. But being honest I ignore the cracks, the small ones as our amazing family does not have flaws, we have hiccups. So i thought i blog some truth.
 As from my post "For my sweet Darcey" you will understand that we have a lot of upset & stresses with Darceys mum. I wish so much things could of been different & in union we would have all took on her parenting with the same values but we are not fortunate enough to of connected that way & it will always be a bain to us. Gary & I have not a clue about Darceys home life from communication with her mum but we get snippets from Ducky & I guess maybe she could lie & elaborate untruths or upsets but I get a sad feeling what she offers us from her home life isnt lies, & its certainally not what I would hope & wish for her. Ive known Darcey since before her second birthday which we did not get to celebrate with her for months because her mother took her contact away from Gary due to me moving in with him even though I had met with Char (Darceys mum) & her partner. I put up my best display of friend to her & Darcey, gave her what I knew any mother would wish from a woman who was set to become her daughters step mummy & she shattered our hearts. I will never really get over the frustration that comes with being the best step mother to Darcey i could be in the simple fact that it is so rejected by Char. My efforts have been ripped apart, mis-understood or just plain stomped on through envy & anger. Maybe this will be a bit like therapy writing this down or maybe this will be another post I consider deleting before boo gets to read it as I so dont want to put anything negative or upsetting onto her spirit be it now as her five year old beauty butt or in ten years time. Its a tough one but for now...I guess I am blowing my own trumpet a little saying I have been everything I can be to my sweet little cherub pie but I really have with all my heart given her all of my love. I feel I became a parent before I even gave birth to my beautiful son because she taught me my first maternal instincts & love & made me decide the parent I wish to be. And in example to what I felt she deserved I gave her all I could. We had so many wonderful days in the beginning. Going for coffee with a huge bunch of her teddys in tow & her having a mini babychino with teeney marshmallows, going to the park when you would stumble on the steps & be scared of the slides (such a dare-devil nowadays!!) & enjoying days with my family who Darcey came to love & cherish so well in response to them all loving her without question, my mums words being "How can you not fall in love with a sweet child like Darcey, she has all our hearts overwhelmed!" I have now been in Darceys life for nearly four years, a long time. We by far have had more ups but the downs are pretty devastating & never caused by Darceys own desire. Its always in relation to something that has niggled her mum. It came to a point where Darcey was openly expressing such upset as she wanted to love me & be good & not unkind to me but her mother had told her in order for Darceys love for her to be true she had to dislike me. Darcey at first went through with requests like head butt Cara it will be funny, make Cara sad & would often display nasty behaviour towards me. These times are just a story now, I have no hurt feelings for my sweet girl but the sadness is still there as to why any human would create such awful times for a new mum like I was at that point. These times were hugely testing but somewhat moulded our family into a hard rock team that we are today. Noones hurt or influence effects what we know to be true now. But Darceys sadness or confusion is still somewhat apparent. We understand each other inside out but her mind is still a maze to us all some days. Most of the time when she is with us she is the happiest bunny, full of giggles & love for her Jaspey boo. Cuddles & kisses are given without asking & she holds my hand just because, even if were just walking to the kitchen for snacks. But some occassions she is a little lost, maybe if a lot lost. I try to speak with her but she is very closed & so I try tactics to get her to open up. I talk about my own examples of when Im moody, upset & cross. She does open up just a tiny bit to release some stresses but mostly she says 'Nothing' or she states thats shes fine. Her daddy soothes her & seeks for answers but even with him, her best ever friend, she is quiet. Its not thats she's untrusting I totally believe that. Its just maybe she isnt shown to open up or is quickly dismissed if she does have a grievance. Even when she is cross at Jasper for snatching a toy we discuss the situation, we certainally do not brush it off & this definatley makes her feel secure & listened too. But we only have her for such short times. Its not enough of an impact on a soul like ducky. I wished for years it would be & maybe it will shine through one day, but only time will show that. This isnt a negative post, I hope its not conveying that way anyhow, its just like I said, the realist in me being honest. As honest as I am when I talk about my amazing life with these amazing beautiful children I embrace with all of my heart & my brilliantly amazing Gary. I hate saying boyfriend, so hubbo, studley, baby daddy, Gary :)  I will always always make sure my relationship with my cherub is never effected & is always going to be how we, as two moody, stroppy but hugely loving girlys see fit. 143 my sweet boo Darcey doo. I love you like my own. And i will never apologise for that angel***

Friday, 12 April 2013

Swimming Studley

Today was so brilliant. I randomly decided I would take Jasper swimming now I have new gym membership with fit 4 which includes the Aquarena (soon to be Splashpoint). I am quite naughty in that Im preety insecure about getting into a swimsuit & dont like being cold so have always put off going swimming too often & actually it has been far too long this time since stud got to kick his feet in a huge fun pool, pretty much his lil legs were chubby chunks last time we went. It is only a basic pool but omg he absolutly lit up when he saw it. Equiped with his bathtime rocket ship & Spiderman rubber ring we got straight into splashing & laughing heaps. He was a pretty clingy monkey to start but then he got up on a huge float & we had a game of pirate ships. He saw other boys & girls swimming alone & after I promised him his float would keep him up he let go & hysterically giggled away kicking his feet & decided he actually really enjoyed himself. He wanted to try the small slide but to start just went to the top & came back down again saying "No mummy scarey" haha. But he eventually went down rubber ring in tow & splashed into the water with me catching him & just his little face. I hope I never ever forget that smile as that is total inspiration for every morning to wake blissfully happy. Bloody beauty chops. Such an amazing afternoon. Even just showering after is a giggle with the lil dude he is so amazing & fun & makes me wanna squeeze him so much with his cuteness. His words are so funny & the way he says stuff now. He kisses and says "I make you happy, kisses make people happy!!" They absolutley do pumpkin pie!! 143

flashback friday*

A cutee booty toddler Darcey doo. These were the days I learnt I was a parent before I even held my first born. You were so shy but delightful to have around & you just loved visiting Nanna's to see the horseys. This day you learnt to play golf with daddy & chuck a ball for the doggys but you kept chucking it for Chloe as you thought she may fetch too :) You were (and are) so innocently beautiful, you couldnt look more like dadda & just had such a mature head on those dinky shoulders, me & daddy used to say to you "Dont wish to grow up just yet boo" as you always wanted to be just like the grown ups. 

The first night. My amazing studley boo was finally here. We were alone in the hospital after a hard labour & I just couldnt sleep from watching you & looking at your perfect tiny details, your button nose, the tiny red dot birthmark on your bottom lip, your swollen eyes & all that dark hair. You had long nails & creased hands like you had been in the bath too long, my big belly bath haha! I miss holding you so close to my heart but wow its overwhelming how much my heart oozes with love & pride for the boy you have grown to be Jasper Casey. Magical existence, my perfect life**


Wednesday, 10 April 2013

this perfect life*

Oh it so annoys me I havent made more time this month & last to blog. I have so much to say & need a dictaphone some days to get all my fluttering thoughts out. We have had some lovely family weekends again to document & gush over. Also just special days with my little studley being the luckiest mama alive to spend so much quality time with my baby boo. Gonna dedicate a post to daddy this month as just so need to express in my heart how amazing he is, not just to my bubbas, he is the most amazing hubbs to me, friend & family man. Im so damn lucky I really am. Perfect most loving heart smiles for my beautiful family.

We have had an amazingly chilled day today, me, boo & our invisible doggy Monty (named by me, made up by Jasper!!) He is such a giggle. I am trying hard to make sure each day has a educational game, art or craft experience for boo. He just seems to know so much already & obviously learns so much from pre-school & other people. Today we have learnt the simplest things really do make us happy. I taught him to roll his tounge!! He can now fully draw a triangle himself & is working on diamonds. He can identify 1-3 as numbers & 26 haha. He knows all his colours but gets stuck on grey, but today he showed me his grey helicopter & said my top is grey (it is). We had a lovely evening reading all the books him & Darcey chose from the library & one story was actually so fun & imaginative it had us both in giggles & then we played out the story as a game. The book is  'Mungo & the spiders from space' by Timothy Knapman. He also loved the story about the gorilla called Gary. Darcey chose this as knowing her daddy doo is called Gary haha. We had six blissful days just gone with our beautiful angel here as its easter half term at school & hubbs got time off so we could have some quality fam time. Oh it was just awesome, so much fun & actually we just revelled in such relaxing slow days & we just had no expectation of each day. We just did what we fancied that day & what the kids wanted to do. They have lovely toys at home & as its still typical English weather outside we were happy to spend some nice days at home reading books, painting & crafting. Hubbs made some unbelieavble imaginitive play games for the bubbas & literally made an army squad in each corner of their room using all Jaspeys neenaws & helicopters, Darceys doll house made by Grampy & all the little men & woman figures in the house, hundreds haha. He put so much thought into it & really taught Jasper how to play nicely & to share & team up with Darcey to make fun & creative games. He is just a superb daddy & so wonderful in his love for his children. He is so very patient & happy on his knees playing like a five year old with them. I must admit I find this type of play quite tedious & cant always get myself to snap out of practical mummy mode. I love the more adventure side of fun we have but of course still play. Jaspeys fave game at the mo is just walking up to me with every item in his room saying "Hello my names ....!" I introduce myself & he's on to the next toy haha. I love doing crafts & we do colouring, painting, decorating, sticking, magazines or doodles every day. Jasper is really enthusiastic just now for drawing numbers & letters that i have written down on paper in dots for him to trace & connect. He goes so slowly & gently with the pen ( he loves colouring, drawing & writing in biro*, he'd do without crayons & felt tips for sure haha) He loves numbers & when we walk past shop windows he describes to me the letters, shapes & numbers he remembers & asks me "Whats that one mummy?" He's so clever. Darcey also is just amazing. She spelt out Zoo from her library book the other day & said if you add a M on the end its says Zoom like a rocket. Such awesome inspiring amazing bubbas. Im literally so in awe everytime I really sit & think of how wonderful my children are. ( I always have to pause & think is it okay to right MY children when of course Darcey is not mine but to be honest I treat her as mine, I love her like my own & I educate her & teach her life lessons, knowledge & wisdom I would always teach Jasper. Just to kind of clarify if anyone reads this & thinks its odd as her step mummy to write that. We have such an exceptional relationship for two people brought together in strained circumstances. Just thought Id get that out, back to blog!!)

So we had an amazing day, one that actually included some sun but still pretty cold winds!! We all love going to Swanbourne Lake in Arundel. Its so peaceful & chilled there & such a glorious nature location that we can all enjoy. Its amazing how much nature can be used as a playground for young & old. We all challenged our fears & walked up hugely steep hills, just safe enough for a two year old. My freak out mummy mode was on overload but still managed to have ridiculous amounts of fun!! We walked through what felt like secret passages looking down on the people walking the usual route & feeling invisible & adventurous. We sat & ate our snacks on a steep hill surrounded by birds chirping & our giggles. It was so strange to feel so alone even though there was lots of people using the paths below us. We had a fab view & its no secret that I am fascinated by tree's, something Jasper has inherited from me, so we all talked about the prettys surroundings & how unhungry the ducks were! They wouldnt eat our seed we'd brought for the them lil buggers!! It just had such an amazing feeling of closeness even when lil miss Darcey gets in her stroppy mood which she did but doesnt do often. I think all the closeness almost puts a fear in her sometimes as when me & her have a great girly time she always seems to back off after to access how she is feeling as I know it prob is hard for her as maybe she wants these experiences with her own mum & maybe Im a little expecting that we are going to always be best of friends. Some days like us all she just has stroppy, anxious days and I am certainally her target when it comes to those moments. Im an easy target & an accepting one as I also am the one who snaps her out of these moods with kind words & five year old understandings. I try so very hard for her even when it actually rips my heart apart that I may have caused her anxieties or upset &  vise versa. She can be extremely cruel with her actions sometimes to me or Jasper, very rarely daddy which again is expected but when she does this sometimes as an over emotional human being it does get me hard. And when she see's or realises after a chat with daddy that she is actually being mean she does question herself & always apologises & what follows is so groundbreaking as she will then open up about her feelings & will spend time just snuggling & talking it through. I will tell her memories of when she was little & she just listens contently so it passes quickly but it is a heartache I cant & probably wont ever be able to comfortably tolerate but all the while I always will as she is my beautiful ducky doo & I love her good & bad!! Just like the unconditional love I hold for Jasper. Which talking of pumpkin pie I still cannot get over how bloody content with life this little boo is. I literally still am yet to see a tantrum melt down awful strop come out of this bubb & even when he gets mad he is so easy to encourage out of having a strop & so well consoled after feeling a rage. He is just the most content happy boy. Pretty sure I have written these words in most posts but jeez, seriously chilled bubbshalubb!! Love & light to my gorgee Harrisons. 143xx