Sunday, 21 April 2013

Realist* 143

So Im now an avid follower of a few other blogs I have stumbled across through twitter & BritMums. I read them for inspiration but also too as I am pretty nosey. Its nice to read of other like wise mums wanting to express their love, humour & adventures with their own bubbas. Anyhow I came across a post of 'Our we being truthful, real enough when we post. Or are we generating blogs full of adoration for little angels we wish our little me's were?'
This got me thinking & it kind of annoys me that Im just not funny enough to be a humour filled blog & my own characteristic of soppy, slushy over emotional heart spills onto the pages but I do truley write from my heart. But being honest I ignore the cracks, the small ones as our amazing family does not have flaws, we have hiccups. So i thought i blog some truth.
 As from my post "For my sweet Darcey" you will understand that we have a lot of upset & stresses with Darceys mum. I wish so much things could of been different & in union we would have all took on her parenting with the same values but we are not fortunate enough to of connected that way & it will always be a bain to us. Gary & I have not a clue about Darceys home life from communication with her mum but we get snippets from Ducky & I guess maybe she could lie & elaborate untruths or upsets but I get a sad feeling what she offers us from her home life isnt lies, & its certainally not what I would hope & wish for her. Ive known Darcey since before her second birthday which we did not get to celebrate with her for months because her mother took her contact away from Gary due to me moving in with him even though I had met with Char (Darceys mum) & her partner. I put up my best display of friend to her & Darcey, gave her what I knew any mother would wish from a woman who was set to become her daughters step mummy & she shattered our hearts. I will never really get over the frustration that comes with being the best step mother to Darcey i could be in the simple fact that it is so rejected by Char. My efforts have been ripped apart, mis-understood or just plain stomped on through envy & anger. Maybe this will be a bit like therapy writing this down or maybe this will be another post I consider deleting before boo gets to read it as I so dont want to put anything negative or upsetting onto her spirit be it now as her five year old beauty butt or in ten years time. Its a tough one but for now...I guess I am blowing my own trumpet a little saying I have been everything I can be to my sweet little cherub pie but I really have with all my heart given her all of my love. I feel I became a parent before I even gave birth to my beautiful son because she taught me my first maternal instincts & love & made me decide the parent I wish to be. And in example to what I felt she deserved I gave her all I could. We had so many wonderful days in the beginning. Going for coffee with a huge bunch of her teddys in tow & her having a mini babychino with teeney marshmallows, going to the park when you would stumble on the steps & be scared of the slides (such a dare-devil nowadays!!) & enjoying days with my family who Darcey came to love & cherish so well in response to them all loving her without question, my mums words being "How can you not fall in love with a sweet child like Darcey, she has all our hearts overwhelmed!" I have now been in Darceys life for nearly four years, a long time. We by far have had more ups but the downs are pretty devastating & never caused by Darceys own desire. Its always in relation to something that has niggled her mum. It came to a point where Darcey was openly expressing such upset as she wanted to love me & be good & not unkind to me but her mother had told her in order for Darceys love for her to be true she had to dislike me. Darcey at first went through with requests like head butt Cara it will be funny, make Cara sad & would often display nasty behaviour towards me. These times are just a story now, I have no hurt feelings for my sweet girl but the sadness is still there as to why any human would create such awful times for a new mum like I was at that point. These times were hugely testing but somewhat moulded our family into a hard rock team that we are today. Noones hurt or influence effects what we know to be true now. But Darceys sadness or confusion is still somewhat apparent. We understand each other inside out but her mind is still a maze to us all some days. Most of the time when she is with us she is the happiest bunny, full of giggles & love for her Jaspey boo. Cuddles & kisses are given without asking & she holds my hand just because, even if were just walking to the kitchen for snacks. But some occassions she is a little lost, maybe if a lot lost. I try to speak with her but she is very closed & so I try tactics to get her to open up. I talk about my own examples of when Im moody, upset & cross. She does open up just a tiny bit to release some stresses but mostly she says 'Nothing' or she states thats shes fine. Her daddy soothes her & seeks for answers but even with him, her best ever friend, she is quiet. Its not thats she's untrusting I totally believe that. Its just maybe she isnt shown to open up or is quickly dismissed if she does have a grievance. Even when she is cross at Jasper for snatching a toy we discuss the situation, we certainally do not brush it off & this definatley makes her feel secure & listened too. But we only have her for such short times. Its not enough of an impact on a soul like ducky. I wished for years it would be & maybe it will shine through one day, but only time will show that. This isnt a negative post, I hope its not conveying that way anyhow, its just like I said, the realist in me being honest. As honest as I am when I talk about my amazing life with these amazing beautiful children I embrace with all of my heart & my brilliantly amazing Gary. I hate saying boyfriend, so hubbo, studley, baby daddy, Gary :)  I will always always make sure my relationship with my cherub is never effected & is always going to be how we, as two moody, stroppy but hugely loving girlys see fit. 143 my sweet boo Darcey doo. I love you like my own. And i will never apologise for that angel***

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