Friday, 13 September 2013

being a step mummy, what it really means to me...


So quite often as a step mama i get naive, ignorant comments about my relationship with Darcey. She is not my daughter, i was not there almost six years ago to even know she was born to this world & celebrate. I met her when she was almost two after six months of getting to know her daddy & applied myself to a whole new world when I began living with Gary. This to me was intuition, its what nature did to me, its what my heart instigated & its what I feel was best for myself, the family myself & Gary created with Darcey as a three & then as a four when our son was born. I dont feel the need ever to have to explain myself but after a quite offensive comment on this blog I decided I would just write it all down & then if you still have objections then maybe thats your ignorance & not my actions that afflict you. 
From the beginning Darcey was a very easy child to love. She intimidated me & made me nervous for sure but she was such a darling, chubby lil girly with such a giggle & an immense relationship with her pops that made me love him so much more & overwhelmed my heart with knowing this was right. After failed love & heartache this was so good for me. We had picnic, park days & lunches out. We watched cbeebies & In the night garden & I made her spaghetti & sausage & mash. She was far too often fed chicken nuggets by her bad cook dadda haha**I brought her clothes, sweets & bubbles, puzzles & books. I absolutely adored her & so did my family. I felt very blessed to be able to enjoy this sweet little darling in my life & sought advetures each weekend with her. It was easy, she was so so easy to love & admire. But the heartbreak was to come when her mum didnt agree with our new found friendship & so tougher times came & strained us but through it all, and it really was alot, we remained tight. We stayed Rara & ducky & I chose to keep loving her even though the relationship was paining me so bad. I was desperate for this adorable, innocent little girl to not know harm, heartache or hate. I was persistent in building a childhood she could revel in, a home she could be safe & secure in & arms she could run in to hold her & make her feel happy & comfortable regardless of the fact that I was not her mummy. I was not trying to steal an affection of a child that was not mine, I was building our own relationship because that was needed what with me being so in love with her daddy. I understood that this was a hard time for her mum to adjust to, but I will not detail that in this post as I wont ever speak ill of her mummy, that’s not kind or fair regardless of what was put out all that time ago. We actually have a considerate & easy relationship now & she has been able to consider me a good friend to Darcey. I have never recieved anger from Darcey about being forced into her life, Ive never seen her upset by my presence, if that had been the case I would have backed off along time ago. I have never had such an affirmation since so strong that highlighted how important I was to Ducky when she sat at my feet crying saying she so wanted to love me too but she was unsure if she was allowed too, she was desperatly sad she would loose my affections after she had spent a few visits being so cruel to me & her newborn brother. Whatever was in her head, she was protesting it, she spoke the words & I followed. As she so bluntly put it, she chose to love me right back. I understood this clearer through every action each visit when she was so soft & kind to her brother, so intensly comforted by my hugs & blanket snuggles & would spring in to my arms when I greeted her at the door. To this day she still leaps into my arms, not a gentle leap, a huge I missed u lunge & squeeze on each meeting. I love this lil girl like you couldnt believe. She is such a sweetheart, she holds my hand & is now as tall as my chest. She has stregth with her words like nothing else when she shouts love you Cara from her top bunk at night. The way she snuggles herself into me so so close when Im reading to her. She is just such a blessing to me, an even bigger blessing because it was not mine to cherish...but now it is and i do just that, cherish every little freckle on her face, every little cute mole on her body & every stinky fart she lets out on my lap haha. She is just simply amazing to me. That is why I can never understand the hate of a handful of people that have expressed that I am too involved with Darcey & love her too much (I didn’t realise there was a quota to love a child). Ive been told I should concentrate on my own son & leave Darcey to have a relationship with her father. All of which happens on a daily basis alongside loving Darcey ‘too’ much. Darcey has an incredible relationship with her daddy, she has an incredible relationship with us all & that’s because we all love her equally, stupidly & overwhelmingly. Just like any child needs. She has siblings on both her mums side & our side & is a great big sister to them all. She has a darling brother sister bond with Jasper but yes as children they fight, they hide toys from each other, they want the red apple the other has when they have a green, stupid kid things…I didn’t document anything harshly when talking of harder times with Darcey & the situation we found ourselves in in early years of our family set up. It was all truth. And true is all I can be. So true in loving this little angel for all her beauty, innocence, giggles & tantrums. I am excelling at this step mama thing & I can proudly admit that. I love a child that I didn’t create, I didn’t have to love her, accept her, be kind to her. But I chose to. Now I just know in my own self, the calm I have with her, its all good, its right for us. And its right for certain for Darcey. She doesn’t have to be upset by leaving her home to go back to her other home, she has the best of both at both houses and that is what is magical about the now. As parents to Darcey we are all working together to make her secure & happy with her set up. Yes she still gets upset that Jasper gets to live with daddy always just as much as she gets sad her siblings don’t get to come with her when she visits. She is very clear in her adoration for all her immediate family members & as her step mummy that makes me so happy. She is very blessed & so please don’t be naive & think otherwise. 143**






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