Wednesday, 27 February 2013

For my sweet Darcey*

With a heavy heart I write this not knowing for sure whether I should but in need to express my thoughts. Alot has happened since Sunday night so my lateness for this post is granted but the thoughts are still haunting me really. Im desperate to be able to call you & ask how you are or come get u from school & have some Cara & boo time. It was half term last week so u were off school so from thursday morning to sunday night u were all ours, the Harrison family was together just how it feels right. Daddy had time off work & we as always had amazing, great adventures. It was uncle Sam & uncle Nick's shared birthday & we celebrated well including a huge surprise party for Sammy G on saturday night. U were so confident & looked so so beautiful. You danced away. head bobbing, feet two stepping & ran around with Jasper & Evelyn for hours. You so didnt want to leave as u had such a great time. On sunday u got to see Skye & went bowling with daddy, Uncle Craig & Ana whilst Jaspey slept for four hours (tired pooped bubb). We made hats for Sam & Nick and birthday cards. As always you were magically good, always such a sweet angel & so well behaved but you had a few moments were u seemed so sad. I spoke to u & asked you softly how u felt & u would just hug me. U said "Nothing" or would just stare & shut off. I had a nice talk with u & explained u need to be a five year old & just have fun, not be sad for big girl problems etc. We spoke of the fun things a five year old should experience & u asked also for a list of six year olds as u will be six next. But the real thing is u were sad, something underneath it all was a lost little Darcey & it hurt so bad to see. U shut off & absolutely wont talk of any emotions u feel, u dont speak of ur life with ur family when we dont see u, u rarely speak of school & any questions we ask always get brushed off for different conversation or off to play. This has always troubled me and daddy but its even more prominent now your seeming quite guuarded about ur life at mummys. Its so sad as we tried so hard to make your mummy see that co-parenting between us all would be such a benefit & I was sure i would be friends with ur mum as that is civil & apt for a split family but im so sorry to u darling that it has not been this way. We always have such amazing experiences, days, adventures but u seem lost recently Darcey, its breaking my heart and daddy cant register it, he doesnt want to. On Sunday evening we dropped you home & as usual it wasnt rushed or unexpected. U are given warnings as to when u are to return to ur mummys & usually seem to except this but on occassion get very sad & beg to stay more at daddys. I hope sweet darling one day u will understand we would of had u here forever if we could, its just not that easy. Im ur step mummy, u are not of my blood & we dont share the same characteristics but we love each other so truley & i can only hope u have that with ur mummy. We dropped u home & as soon as we pulled up to ur home u were in tears, Jasper was sad aswell as he hates saying goodbye to u. You climbed onto my lap & we hugged so tightly & after soothing u & explaining the situation u seemed to calm & we kissed u & daddy held u tight and took u to ur mummys door. U started sobbing again & ur mum greeted u with such anger that u were very shocked & before daddy could explain the situation the door was shut. I feel haunted & sick to my stomach thinking of ur darling heart being so sad & not gettin the comfort a child needs, im devastated u are not being hugged tight & cherished after not seeing ur mum for four days & our hearts break having to leave u when it feels so unnatural. We felt like we should be saving u but there was no lawful thing we could have done. The hurt is so immense & we cryed all the way home. I promise u now, this will not happen again. I will protect u anyway I can from the hurt a five year old should never know. Darling Darcey, my love for u is so bewitching, so amazing. You are not my child but i love you so much. One day sweet baby, one day i promise, you will always smile. You will make your own choices & make good decisions & not be so closed. I will keep pushing for the break in your heart to heal, whatever I can do I will, daddy & Jasper also. Words cannot describe the sadness of leaving you each week. One day we will have a different way...we love you, i love you to the truest form. 143**

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