Saturday, 18 April 2015

oh heart*

We have had so much turmoil going on these past months that have all made me feel vulnerable, weak & guarded but as a family we have remained strong, moving forward with hands clasped firmly together, hearts open to the sunshine positives that have also scattered like my sweet darling niece growing so well, Jaspey being so happy & confident & finally getting back in our home. But along the way, or really it was underlying all along, we have lost our shy girl to some very upsetting emotions & frustrations. She is pausing in time with hour long mood swings & jealousy tumbling out of her mouth at every instance. She has noticeably distanced herself from Jasper & I, cuddles are cold & I love you is strained. Its been so on & off but at the last stages of her time home with us in Easter half she became very cruel to her brother. She ruined her own fun by so suddenly switching moods & even her daddys love & kind words to coax her out failed. She is troubled & she is struggling which in turn makes us struggle as our hearts lay heavy. When she left it hurt worse. I wanted more time to support her lil lost heart & I wanted to try different paths to stop her upsets. Every single thing big or small triggered it. Jasper having more raspberries & tomatoes than her even though she had less as she really doesn’t love them but knows they are good for her, his school bag for P.E being a superheroes design when she isn’t allowed patterns at her school, him having less words to read in his library loans. With each quarrel she started she broke my lil studs heart, every single damn time he'd say "Ducky why are you being mean!" I ended up separating her from his play area & this had her in tears but not at her consequence for her mean behaviour, but again as she felt injustice & felt Jasper was favoured. Its just so bizarre, if anything when she is with us she is so spoilt with affection as we all want a little piece of our snuggle monkey. Its definitely hard for her to see new toys in the draws, a new key ring won at the arcade on Jaspey & I's solo date, even just different foods in the cupboards as selection for snack time that shes not got at home. All this is seen as Jasper having what she doesn’t. Even when she has noted that it made her feel sad & we have followed the next visit with said items for her she feels unfulfilled. She lacks oomph & energy in her character & is so unconfident, i dont mean that in a nasty way, but its so very sad as Jasper is coming into an age where he is so silly, bubbly & goofy. She has her moments but if you acknowledge with a smile that shes being funny she just clams right up. If you give compliments she gets greedy & seeks more in manipulative ways so will help with some chores then instantly say Im good for helping, Jasper is naughty because he didnt. Always a divide. Jasper just adores her & keeps his love coming ten fold, but this weekend when she left he didnt pine for her for the first time ever, he just kept saying "When i spoke Darcey never replied Mummy!" He was so honest in his sadness & that mama bear protective roaring instinct kicked in & just hurt so much for my boy but also for this sweet sweet cherub being so scarred by her exhausting, turbulent life. We have no clues other than the snippets she gives us about her home life but she has opened up about her school. She said she has 'overwhelming' times in class so she has to leave & see her other friendly teacher who makes her feel better, she has a book within school to write her feelings & is struggling with a few seven year old problems so also has a playground mentor. With this knowledge & the sudden decline in amazing days that are half term had started with, Gary decided to speak with her mum. Someone he tries extremely hard to be patient & amicable with, but she smirked & just kept stating that she doesn’t misbehave at home so the problem is with us. Gary tried to ask for support, if she could speak with their daughter & understand her feelings & why she feels so sad but she disregarded it as our problem, so we are to find the solution. The frustration is pretty heavy as we had hoped even if she did feel smug & in control that she would at least like to help Darcey become more confident & able to articulate these strong emotions she is going through, but she flat out declined to help & positively gleed on hearing we had struggled that week. I dont know why we expected any different but as my upsets on the situation are first & foremost for both my children being sad & confused by these huge feelings, I thought she would feel pangs of hurt for her daughters upsets. Over the week Ducky had hinted at feeling very guilty for loving me & Jasper & told Jasper he wasnt her real brother, her real brother was at her mummys. After explaining she was a tad embarrassed but still went on to say her family is daddy. She was so overpowered by competitive nastiness & jealousy when Gary was simply helping Jasper do his teeth or holding his hand. Rather than speaking about it she just acted out & caused a lot of upset for my full hearted studley. Even so he was still so eager to see her last night when she was due to ours for our weekend stay. But to add to the anxious enormity of the situation, her mother refused us our access stating wrongly it was her weekend with Darcey. Gary tried to communicate with messages & screenshot photos with dates on to prove we weren’t confused but to no avail. It isnt just frustrating, it is desperately painful when our son is left upset by her absence & our family is yet again rocked with upset by the same controlling woman who will for the next years be such a pain just to ease her selfish insecurities. It is making our sweet girly so turbulent in her status as a daughter, sister & family member to many, she is confused by her emotions good & bad. If she loves me, she is upsetting her mother, if she hates me it upsets her also, so she is constantly battling herself. This wont change until her mum shows acceptance of me. So in other words it wont change. The move forward now is yet again strained & a battle. Why cant it just for Darceys sake be easy. Not for mine or Garys. But for her & for my sweet darling boy who misses his sissy every single minute & who deserves a relationship with her better than this. Better than the confusing, anxious driven one. For these littles i wish only for peace in their hearts always when they think of family. I will not have this evil presence knock my sons life like it is knocking her daughters. Im guarding his lil heart from Darceys distruptions & will strive always to be 'mother' & all things related to that, all raw emotions related to that, for both my children. My beautys Ducky & Stud. I love u darling cherubs like you wouldnt believe. I will fight for you, i will stand strong, we will stand strong. We are a four whether apart or not. Keep those kisses tucked in your palm Ducky, we have yours saved in ours too. And always remember, the blossom, it always blooms just for you sweet girl...143

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