Thursday, 22 October 2015

post from last week I didnt publish

Being a step mama, its the hardest thing in the world if Im truly honest. The positives are incredible but the negatives are soul destroying & I know people are quick to believe Im too involved or maybe even from my blog or photos believe I have it all together & maybe that's all Ive shown for so long. But its a bloody rollercoaster that's for sure. We have been so very lucky in that recently we were granted 50/50 custody of Darcey. We have her Saturday evening through to Wednesday morning & I am slowly, exhaustingly (haha)getting used to the double school run, in different towns, half an hour away. Thank fuck for breakfast club. Thankful also for my gorgeous auntie who has dedicated so much time to helping this schedule work for us. Its been immense waking up at 6am to have special moments with daddy, even just brushing their teeth alongside him makes Darcey feel more connected. Breakfasts & dinners together & Gary making it home early a few times to take the cherubs to the park for a kick about. All hearty soul food. All giving & brilliant. Until Darceys mood sees fit to rage. Whether its because her homework has not been started or even prompted & she then only has 2 evenings with us to complete before hand in day. Whether its because shes reminded to wash her hands after dinner or whether its because Jasper has the lego she desires. Pretty standard things for a kid to get cross or strop over I guess but her moods are vicious & so relentless. I fully believed that more time in a stable home would bring her happiness levels up but she has crumbled a little. Her emotions are always so strong when she is happy & content. Shes gorgeously loving to all her family & easy going. But when her moods hit, which can be right in the middle of a super happy time for her, she just is so destructive. It ruins her days as Im sure the negativity of her day is more memorable than her positives. Adventures are stunted & even the promise of a treat cant pull her out of a strop. She could be sullen & sad for hours & its like a switch is set to vacant & mute. Its so troubling to see & we have tried so hard to address this with her mum but to no avail so we have finally spoken with her school to see if she can have some help understanding her emotions & her temperament. Its always been a known with Ducky, its always been there & we deal with it when it arises. But just recently as we have had her so often I noticed the effect it had on Jasper, he just gets so frustrated that yet again Darcey isn't playing, her face is sad & she is stroppy. She can be very manipulative with him which worked in her favour when he was so little but now he has an understanding on her lil ways & he wont have it, so she is seeing for sure that she cant work him how she used to. At the park recently she was being cruel & blocking his way & he got so angry that he just burst into tears & when she straight away said she was so sorry he just screamed & shouted 'Leave me alone'. She knew she had gone too far & hurt one of her bestest friends & tried very hard to make the situation right. But I must say she finally realised he has a limit to her bullshit & she really did look sad she had upset him so much. I explained that if she starts controlling Jaspers happiness then big changes would be put in place as I am so not having his heart tarnished by negativity. I hate that there is a separation in upbringing for them. I hate that they are not from the same lives, they really are for days at a time, the most different of children. I dedicate every day to Jasper, I choose to, I love to & he is so deserving of my all. I do the same for her when she is with us but this is split & the care she has within her mums home is disjointed to our world. So I get her jealousy, insecurities & hurts. But I absolutely don't want anything but amazing memories for Jasper who isn't from a split home & doesn't need the troublesome emotions forced into his environment that is so easy. I don't mean to make it sound like anything other than what it is. Darceys frustrations & insecure behaviour hurt him. He only knows so much love here & when her fractured experiences from her other home absorb negativity into ours it is scary for us. I had an incredible childhood, carefree, loving & very blessed. So I have always promised that for my children. And I do that for always when Ducky is with us, but I cant touch her heart when shes away. I also cant change the hurt she feels when at each home she is always missing someone. At each home she feels abandoned by the other parent. Its such an unfair world for her & being more civil would help her & I would say her moods have become erratic again in the decline of our communication yet again with her mum. We try so hard to do best to benefit Darcey. I have put myself in positions people have told me are plane crazy just to insure she feels secure & happy. I have taken the extra time with Darcey & the hectic routine that followed in my stride & yet still feel slightly open & unprotected by the waves that hit. Im far too quick to believe in people. Im far too quick to believe kind words out of mouths that have said such vulgarities before hand. I want to keep my heart positive, but I am sure to get overwhelmed by my clear failings when things go wrong. Im very hard on myself & wont rest until these anxieties of hers & now mine settle. I trust that again we will be on top of Darceys upsets & she will have fewer days consumed by her stresses. But I do think that maybe additional help is needed for her to be able to express herself. She is hurting & its so hideous to acknowledge that of a teeny girl whos still so easily mesmerized by the thought of mermaid kissed stones & glitter fairies. She truly believes in Santa & that the Avengers are real, why cant she believe she is loved, why cant she know this with all her being. When its SO displayed by us?? Tbc...

No comments: