Sunday, 25 August 2013

summer blues*

It has taken a week or so to find the words for this post. Its still pretty upsetting to me & so unexpected & out of character that i almost wanted to just push it down & forget about it. But maybe writing it down I can gain some understanding. Last week we had a truly awful week with huge behavioural difficulties from Darcey towards Jasper & I. Infront of her daddy she was her normal gorgeous self, a little moody but she has that lil temperment sometimes anyhow. Gary was still working everyday as was not due his holiday days until this week. I had four exciting days planned with crafts, park, playing, learning, climbing, jumping & even a few trips out for adventures. We had Darcey Wednesday-Sunday the week before & she went home for one day & asked to come back again. It fit in well with my work schedule & we got a yes from Darceys mum so we were very excited to get another long stay with Darcey home. The first evening she was sleepy & bath & bed went well but as she woke Tuesday she was very moody. I assumed she had woken early & was just tired. We had a day at the park & playing chase & football planned with my friend who has children Eddie & Lily that are now good friends of Darcey & Jaspers. That trip went well but as soon as we left the park Darcey became quite nasty & bullying in very subtle ways to Jasper. I asked her to please behave nicer to her brother & her response was so cutting. She said blankly to my face 'What?' So not like her. We had a crafty afternoon & I noticed little sneaky frustrations Darcey was putting on Jaspey. Hiding his favourite crayon or doodling on his drawing. He got very confused with her & asked her why she did these things & she just ignored his words completly. I seperated them & after speaking on the phone to daddy Darceys behaviour picked up & was okay if a little off for the rest of that day. Wednesday morning started bad & after another call from Daddy with strong words of dissapointment Darceys behaviour again changed to what we know from her, happy & excited for our day out in Brighton. She was a bit sullen when we watched an open air movie on Brighton beach, kids classic Ratatoille. She didnt seem interested & so to boost her mood I asked if they would like to go on the Brighton wheel. They both revelled with such delight in this & in our own pod together we had an amazing time. Gorgeous happy photos were captured & my anxiety of the past few days dissapeared. Jasper fell asleep on the bus home & me & Darcey had a giggle & enjoyed each others time. But come Thursday & Friday i was in tears. She was very openly being vicious & mean to Jasper, again stealing his toys & drawing on his pictures. She stole his tomatoes off his plate even though she doesnt really like eating them, she pushed & shoved him when I wasnt looking & had such a poor attitude towards me that it left me very insecure & vunerable. Its amazing to me how much this lil girly can crush my heart & I guess its just so dissapointing as I really try to make sure there is no divide betwen her & Jaspers lifestyles but she just knows it, she knows everything is so different for Jasper. Im so sure now after thinking on it that she is just so very jealous that Jasper gets to live here everyday. He never has to leave his daddy & in her mind possibly has wonderful adventures everyday. He has more family time with his aunties, uncles & Nanna & Gramps than she gets, he knows his friends & is more comfortable with them than she is, she doesnt get to see her friends when shes at daddys. Its all too heartbreaking & understanding her upsets has definately made me view the anger she had so differently. Im not cross with her, Im sad for her to have to have these questions & stresses so young. I think also the fact that its summer holidays & she is so back & forth from her usual routine & stable home that it had a emotional effect on her. Just so so hard. I love my darling Ducky so much & was just so shocked by how sadly our week went. 143 baby girl. ALWAYS always love you with all of my heart** be strong lil one

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