milk drunk*

I recently read a great post by another lovely blogger about weaning herself off breastfeeding her son who has become uninterested in her milk after nearly a year. She was sad to loose the soft, precious moments of breast feeding & it made me think of the very few moments I was able to feed Jasper. It makes me proud now that my body gave him the best start but still sad to be honest that I couldnt physically breast feed longer, my body to traumered by my birth kind of gave up on that to get my health better according to Dr & midwife & i felt cheated again, bad birth & then this, I was truly gutted. I so enjoyed my amazing, bonding time with Jasper that breastfeeding gave me. When people hogged his cuddles for too long it was a great excuse to get him back into my arms & when in the tiny hours it was me & him, such silence & such a bond, just so greedy for that time together, him for his feed & me for the skin to skin. I remeber the night we were home from the hospital feeding in the night & Jasper woke Gary because as he was feeding he done the most combustable pop, followed by poop haha, it was expolsive & the sound woke Gary which was just insane & so funny it still has me giggling now, I still think to this day Gary thinks it was actually me it was so loud hehe. I found a few pics of my lil milk drunk newborn & these make me so proud as I know his silly, happy face is because my body nutured him for those first few days. I have to at least take pride in those days not weeks or months of breast feeding my stud :) 143

    

wot a mess*

So today has just been such an incredible, fun day with my darling studley. Its raining & windy. Cold & grey but we had sunshine in our hearts* We went to 'Wot a mess' art group this morning. Its true to its title & the kids have a theme each week to play along to. Today was Emergency. The group leader reads a story & then the bubbas are unleashed to play in the amazing array of messy zones. Today there was tricycles to ride through paint puddles, car garage with foam & paint on the slopes & lifts, snow ploughs to dig up fake snow, car tunnels & slopes, water boats rescueing others & ambulance cut outs to paint. Jaspers absolute dream. He had such an amazing time & I took so many pictures in an hour. He is just so awesome to watch, interacting with the leader & children, getting stupidly messy & silly & he done the most wonderful painting with heaps of red hand prints & tyre marks from riding over the paper with a bike. He is so very proud of this & to show daddy later. It was so nice to see him confidently speaking with the leader to ask for more green paint (his favourite colour for sure right now) & help roll out new paper tracks for the bikes. I sat aside for a lot of it just watching him, letting him explore himself & see his confidence grow each minute that ticked over. He has become so shy of occassion & so its wonderful really to see him forced into social situations that he doesnt get sad, he just gets a little nervous & then speaks his mind. Perfect boy, im so proud of him. It was such a brilliant group & amazingly inspiring seing Jasper so involved. We then went into town for babychinos & lunch. Being honest, on most occasions that me & Jasper have a coffee date I get someone telling me how beautiful he is & what a lovely boy he is, so well behaved. Today we had 4 people tell us how perfect & just stunning his character is. Im so very proud that people see this too, im not just biased. Strangers feel the need to come to me after their own coffee & say they have watched him & he is just so beautifuly natured & sweet. Just amazing. And to top it off we went shopping for some new winter clothes & wellies, I really take such pleasure in buying things for this lil stud hes just too cute tring on little tops. He picked out a spiderman & hulk top, green trousers & some Fireman Sam welly boots, he liked the colourful boots better than the black Spiderman ones which made me happy, I love seeing him in lovely colourful outfits. He has new bottoms for big play school & some comfty hoodys. He has been so fun, excitable & happy today & that is the beauty of having children. Living each day with laughter, overwhelming combusting love & adventures galore, even on such a simple day. All my heart is for my little dude today <3<3 143 baby boo xxx

       

'Ordinary moment'

This is a seriously beautiful pic I took of my stud. The smile is just enchanting. Gosh i love those dimples so much. He was lying on the floor beneath me after I photographed his doodle shoe tan lines that are in the shape of hearts (kind of). He was in his dressing gown only just eating breakfast & its still around his chops. He still has sleep in his eyes & his morning skin is all dribble sticky & has the most amazing sleepy smell. He was singing a made up song about all the Marvel superheroes, hes obsessed. Listening to his cute, high pitched voice & giggles is just a dream. Our ordinary moment, in our dressing gowns, being silly & goofy & me taking pics of the fun!!

asked to guest post*

So proud of this. I was asked to guest post on this wondeful blog 'Sand in my toes' by a friend, twitter/bloggy follower Tarana Khan. She writes her own greta blogs about her own son & their life in Dubai & it was such an honour to be asked to write something for her feature posts 'A day like today.' I wrote about Jasper & Darcey meeting for the first time. Here it is :):)

http://www.sandinmytoes.tk/2013/08/a-day-like-todaywhen-my-children-first.html

being a step mummy, what it really means to me...

So quite often as a step mama i get naive, ignorant comments about my relationship with Darcey. She is not my daughter, i was not there almost six years ago to even know she was born to this world & celebrate. I met her when she was almost two after six months of getting to know her daddy & applied myself to a whole new world when I began living with Gary. This to me was intuition, its what nature did to me, its what my heart instigated & its what I feel was best for myself, the family myself & Gary created with Darcey as a three & then as a four when our son was born. I dont feel the need ever to have to explain myself but after a quite offensive comment on this blog I decided I would just write it all down & then if you still have objections then maybe thats your ignorance & not my actions that afflict you. 

From the beginning Darcey was a very easy child to love. She intimidated me & made me nervous for sure but she was such a darling, chubby lil girly with such a giggle & an immense relationship with her pops that made me love him so much more & overwhelmed my heart with knowing this was right. After failed love & heartache this was so good for me. We had picnic, park days & lunches out. We watched cbeebies & In the night garden & I made her spaghetti & sausage & mash. She was far too often fed chicken nuggets by her bad cook dadda haha**I brought her clothes, sweets & bubbles, puzzles & books. I absolutely adored her & so did my family. I felt very blessed to be able to enjoy this sweet little darling in my life & sought advetures each weekend with her. It was easy, she was so so easy to love & admire. But the heartbreak was to come when her mum didnt agree with our new found friendship & so tougher times came & strained us but through it all, and it really was alot, we remained tight. We stayed Rara & ducky & I chose to keep loving her even though the relationship was paining me so bad. I was desperate for this adorable, innocent little girl to not know harm, heartache or hate. I was persistent in building a childhood she could revel in, a home she could be safe & secure in & arms she could run in to hold her & make her feel happy & comfortable regardless of the fact that I was not her mummy. I was not trying to steal an affection of a child that was not mine, I was building our own relationship because that was needed what with me being so in love with her daddy. I understood that this was a hard time for her mum to adjust to, but I will not detail that in this post as I wont ever speak ill of her mummy, that’s not kind or fair regardless of what was put out all that time ago. We actually have a considerate & easy relationship now & she has been able to consider me a good friend to Darcey. I have never recieved anger from Darcey about being forced into her life, Ive never seen her upset by my presence, if that had been the case I would have backed off along time ago. I have never had such an affirmation since so strong that highlighted how important I was to Ducky when she sat at my feet crying saying she so wanted to love me too but she was unsure if she was allowed too, she was desperatly sad she would loose my affections after she had spent a few visits being so cruel to me & her newborn brother. Whatever was in her head, she was protesting it, she spoke the words & I followed. As she so bluntly put it, she chose to love me right back. I understood this clearer through every action each visit when she was so soft & kind to her brother, so intensly comforted by my hugs & blanket snuggles & would spring in to my arms when I greeted her at the door. To this day she still leaps into my arms, not a gentle leap, a huge I missed u lunge & squeeze on each meeting. I love this lil girl like you couldnt believe. She is such a sweetheart, she holds my hand & is now as tall as my chest. She has stregth with her words like nothing else when she shouts love you Cara from her top bunk at night. The way she snuggles herself into me so so close when Im reading to her. She is just such a blessing to me, an even bigger blessing because it was not mine to cherish...but now it is and i do just that, cherish every little freckle on her face, every little cute mole on her body & every stinky fart she lets out on my lap haha. She is just simply amazing to me. That is why I can never understand the hate of a handful of people that have expressed that I am too involved with Darcey & love her too much (I didn’t realise there was a quota to love a child). Ive been told I should concentrate on my own son & leave Darcey to have a relationship with her father. All of which happens on a daily basis alongside loving Darcey ‘too’ much. Darcey has an incredible relationship with her daddy, she has an incredible relationship with us all & that’s because we all love her equally, stupidly & overwhelmingly. Just like any child needs. She has siblings on both her mums side & our side & is a great big sister to them all. She has a darling brother sister bond with Jasper but yes as children they fight, they hide toys from each other, they want the red apple the other has when they have a green, stupid kid things…I didn’t document anything harshly when talking of harder times with Darcey & the situation we found ourselves in in early years of our family set up. It was all truth. And true is all I can be. So true in loving this little angel for all her beauty, innocence, giggles & tantrums. I am excelling at this step mama thing & I can proudly admit that. I love a child that I didn’t create, I didn’t have to love her, accept her, be kind to her. But I chose to. Now I just know in my own self, the calm I have with her, its all good, its right for us. And its right for certain for Darcey. She doesn’t have to be upset by leaving her home to go back to her other home, she has the best of both at both houses and that is what is magical about the now. As parents to Darcey we are all working together to make her secure & happy with her set up. Yes she still gets upset that Jasper gets to live with daddy always just as much as she gets sad her siblings don’t get to come with her when she visits. She is very clear in her adoration for all her immediate family members & as her step mummy that makes me so happy. She is very blessed & so please don’t be naive & think otherwise. 143**

summer fun

So the summer holidays happened. I havent been on here much to blog as have had such adventures & a busy 6 weeks with my little darlings. We were lucky to spend alot of time with Darcey here over the summer too & so I was pretty exhausted most evenings to post about our fun. It was so lovely spending everyday with my little Jasper as his pre school shuts for half term too. I recently read a post by a lovely mama I follow                                     ( http://www.baby.co.uk/mum_stories/im-an-child-expert090913/ ) that had me giggling but wow its so true, Jasper went back to pre school for a whole day & even though I worked the morning I had a couple of hrs to kill & man I missed him. I had a niggle in my belly all day wondering how Ducky was getting on at her first day back in yr1 too! Big girly so grown up. Just so strange knowing that routine had come back & a routine i guess that is quite hard to bare. Going back to scheduled time with Darcey is definatly the hardest but also now Jasper is 3 he has 15 hours free school hours. So he is at pre school a little longer Tuesday mornings & going for 2.5hrs on a Monday too plus his full day wednesday. This has not started yet as he has been poorly all this week so off everyday but I know it is a hurdle that is getting me ready for him going to school next year!! (too soon too soon). I also get pretty overwhelmed & anxious when I remember in just one month I will be picking out the school that will be his first venture into big boy things. Learning, schedule, friends galore, afterschool clubs...all very exciting but so so scary too. Im not ready for him to be away five days a week for six whole hours a day. Its too sad...

Anyhow Summer 13' :) We have had such wonderful weather & a lot of sunny beach days. Nice outdoors activities & lots on around Worthing & Sussex to enjoy. The pictures in my album I posted previously basically detail the whole summer. Just such great times with my bubbis. Meeting with friends in parks, Jasper playing & sharing his toys with his friends, swimming in the sea, walking on the pier (which is a HUGE deal for me as was so phobic of piers & bridges, well kind of still am), swimming in the great new pool at Splashpoint, new parks, picnics, Brighton pier, Brighton big wheel, double decker bus rides, Daddy getting time off :):) finding new parks, visiting museums, adventures in London, Jaspers doodle feet tan lines ;) Darceys hair gettin blonder. Just magical awesome times...

summertime living is easy**

https://www.facebook.com/betseyloves/media_set?set=a.10153043439795217.1073741832.505860216&type=3

newest piccys*

amazing summer with my darling angels <3<3<3

https://www.facebook.com/betseyloves/media_set?set=a.10153150029715217.1073741833.505860216&type=3

my sweet girl

After last weeks heartache me & baby dadda decided it would do us some good to have a quality day each with our darlings. He had holiday time off & it has been incredible, relaxed & so lovely having him home everyday. Even though I didnt see him much yesterday & day before we still grouped back as a family for dinner time & snuggled for storytime & Darceys reading each night. I so love this gorgeous man with all my heart (just a side note!) Jasper was very tired & unfortunatly not well on our day together & neither was I so we done indoor activities, played, snuggled infront of a movie & he napped beside me. Huge hugs all day were just perfect. Ducky & I then had a girls day. She has asked me many times before if we could go on a 'double deco' together without Jaspey. (Double decker bus-without Jaspey because we have the buggy with him so dont go up the stairs!!). We went into Brighton on the bus & excitedly each way got on the double decker. Right at the front on the way home, Darcey pretending to drive & marvelling at being able to see so much from so high up. We went on the pier & had such fun on some stupidly expensive rides haha. I was so proud of my lil bugly for going down the super high Helter Skelter on her own & spinning on the tea cups solo. Such a confident little girly now** She was in need of new autumn clothes & we had a great time trying on all her clothes she had helped pick out. Such gorgeous outfits for our gorgeous blondie & everything she chose so suited her. Not one item was pink hehe. She got a beautiful denim shirt that matches mine & some lovely leggings. Shes so teeney tiny & her cute pins are so skinny in her leggings but she looks just stunning. Such a beautiful angel, modelling her clothes confidently & showing off dancing around just made me so so proud of her. She gets so lost sometimes in her moodiness & finds it hard to snap out of a bad grump. But today was just a perfect date day with my lil Ducky. For this & against last weeks stresses this was really a overwhelmingly physical aching happy heart* I now know Darcey will have bad days, they arent always going to be perfectly happy brother & sister but after her words today I know she is in no way against her little brother. I asked her if her boy Smurf toy was her boyfriend (jokes*) & she said no Jasper is. She then asked Jasper if he'd be her boyfriend & marry her. He said yes & she proceeded to show him how to walk down the aisle when they get married. She happily told Jasper if they got married together then they can live together forever. Speaks volumes** 143

those freckles-melt my heart ducky doo

summer blues*

It has taken a week or so to find the words for this post. Its still pretty upsetting to me & so unexpected & out of character that i almost wanted to just push it down & forget about it. But maybe writing it down I can gain some understanding. Last week we had a truly awful week with huge behavioural difficulties from Darcey towards Jasper & I. Infront of her daddy she was her normal gorgeous self, a little moody but she has that lil temperment sometimes anyhow. Gary was still working everyday as was not due his holiday days until this week. I had four exciting days planned with crafts, park, playing, learning, climbing, jumping & even a few trips out for adventures. We had Darcey Wednesday-Sunday the week before & she went home for one day & asked to come back again. It fit in well with my work schedule & we got a yes from Darceys mum so we were very excited to get another long stay with Darcey home. The first evening she was sleepy & bath & bed went well but as she woke Tuesday she was very moody. I assumed she had woken early & was just tired. We had a day at the park & playing chase & football planned with my friend who has children Eddie & Lily that are now good friends of Darcey & Jaspers. That trip went well but as soon as we left the park Darcey became quite nasty & bullying in very subtle ways to Jasper. I asked her to please behave nicer to her brother & her response was so cutting. She said blankly to my face 'What?' So not like her. We had a crafty afternoon & I noticed little sneaky frustrations Darcey was putting on Jaspey. Hiding his favourite crayon or doodling on his drawing. He got very confused with her & asked her why she did these things & she just ignored his words completly. I seperated them & after speaking on the phone to daddy Darceys behaviour picked up & was okay if a little off for the rest of that day. Wednesday morning started bad & after another call from Daddy with strong words of dissapointment Darceys behaviour again changed to what we know from her, happy & excited for our day out in Brighton. She was a bit sullen when we watched an open air movie on Brighton beach, kids classic Ratatoille. She didnt seem interested & so to boost her mood I asked if they would like to go on the Brighton wheel. They both revelled with such delight in this & in our own pod together we had an amazing time. Gorgeous happy photos were captured & my anxiety of the past few days dissapeared. Jasper fell asleep on the bus home & me & Darcey had a giggle & enjoyed each others time. But come Thursday & Friday i was in tears. She was very openly being vicious & mean to Jasper, again stealing his toys & drawing on his pictures. She stole his tomatoes off his plate even though she doesnt really like eating them, she pushed & shoved him when I wasnt looking & had such a poor attitude towards me that it left me very insecure & vunerable. Its amazing to me how much this lil girly can crush my heart & I guess its just so dissapointing as I really try to make sure there is no divide betwen her & Jaspers lifestyles but she just knows it, she knows everything is so different for Jasper. Im so sure now after thinking on it that she is just so very jealous that Jasper gets to live here everyday. He never has to leave his daddy & in her mind possibly has wonderful adventures everyday. He has more family time with his aunties, uncles & Nanna & Gramps than she gets, he knows his friends & is more comfortable with them than she is, she doesnt get to see her friends when shes at daddys. Its all too heartbreaking & understanding her upsets has definately made me view the anger she had so differently. Im not cross with her, Im sad for her to have to have these questions & stresses so young. I think also the fact that its summer holidays & she is so back & forth from her usual routine & stable home that it had a emotional effect on her. Just so so hard. I love my darling Ducky so much & was just so shocked by how sadly our week went. 143 baby girl. ALWAYS always love you with all of my heart** be strong lil one

what is in a name?

Darcey has asked me before why she was called Darcey June. I have told her its the name her mummy & daddy chose for her. Gary cannot remember exact reasoning or memory around her name being chosen. Other than he liked it for his daughter :) We researched alot of names when Jasper was in my belly. My first thoughts were names Id always liked. Jonah, Noah & Issac came to mind, I love biblical boys names. They just didnt suit & Gary was desperate for that ding ding feeling in his heart when a name was said that would be the name we called our son. We liked Colbie as it was our favorite singers name. We liked Eli & Elijah but they werent stand outs for us & Gary loved Tamer. I let him believe it was on the list knowing in the next few months Id never really agree to it. hehe naughty me** Then I came across Jasper on a baby name website. It ment Master of the treasure & I loved that. I loved the way I said Jasper Harrison out loud. I imagined it as his name being called at register & sounding unique but not too far fetched. I imagined him as a baby, child, teenager & man with this name. It went well with each stage & to my mind became perfect. It took a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months to really get Gary dead set on it & then one glorious day he called me from work & said "What about Jasper Casey Harrison". Magic to my ears &  I loved that he had chosen a lovely name for Jasper to be proud of & again researching the meaning of Casey it ment brave. Master of the treasure & brave* Just so fitting. He was set to be a pirate haha!! I still absolutly adore our chosen name for our son. It fits him so well & people always comment on how beautiful it is. The midwife just said mmm...so we have had a fair few hate it aswell. It is set in my heart as such a wonderful memory when in all the trauma & fear in labour when I was taken away from my mum to theatre I said "His name is Jasper when you meet him" & she burst into tears. Such a truly touching, emotional moment I'll always remember. 

Darcey asked me yesterday "Why do people be called other names?" It got us talking about the meaning of our own names & daddy having been given five names haha!! I asked her if she could think of a name she would like to of been called other than Darcey & she said Jasper. Haha, aside from Jasper she'd also like Spiderman Silly Gazman. Jasper said Ironman Gaz. Gary is Captain fantastic daddy & I was Supermummy** Love my darling cherubs they do make me giggle. It made me think back to when I was younger. I was desperate to change my name, I didnt dislike Cara, I just would of liked a few names to go by really. I loved Clara & Claudia & remember having a friend called Natalia & wanting that name for a while too. Im so glad I have my slightly unique easy name now, as I said with Jasper, it seems to fit.