four years over

So this past week I met up with an old friend for a playdate. She has a son Jaspers age & a daughter ( little Lily) who is 22 months old. We were playing for over three hours & Lily was such a cutie, confidently playing with me, talking with me & accepting my hand to help her on the swings, me a complete stranger to her. Sitting down to lunch & chattin with her mama I realised Lily is the exact age Darcey doo was when I first met her. It transported me back, ignited all the memories that were hidden, fuzzy in my brain. It was so huge to me that lil Darcey was just a baby when I first came into her life & her into mine. Just a gorgeous cherub* Tiny, chubby cheeked, still in nappies & with a huge love of quavers* I was so much more scared of her than she was me to start. I didnt have friends with children or family with bubbas so I just didnt know how to carelessly let go & be silly without feeling insecure. But after a few meets she stayed at her daddys one evening & I did to. I made her dinner & helped with her bath & in the morning it was me who woke to her good morning calls. We snuggled on the sofa at 6am watching Milkshake. I made her drinks & a small breakfast & after an hour she fell asleep on me so I dozed off to. I was awoken to Gary smiling taking a pic on his phone. He said he loved me so truley that day & it was the moment I realised I had not only fallen for Gary but Darcey too. She was so giggly with me & clung to my hand when we were out. I spent money on new clothing, shoes & hair accessories for her. I brought her books & puzzles & my favourite movies from my childhood. She motivated me to be so much better, so selfless & so patient. My own mum had tears in her eyes praising me for being so wonderful to her, these words fuelled my desire to be everything to her. My weekends became about her, parks, seaside trips & soft play fun. Gary & I became so much stronger with the encouragement of her love & happiness with me. We became a family fast & I have no regrets. Little Lily and her innocence & happy confidence around me showed me that I was really so right in my approach with Ducky, loving her too much was never an option, it happened because we both wanted it too...143 swet angel pie* ILY

A letter to a teenage me...

Dearest You, 

I recently just turned twenty eight. On appearence people believe me to be a teen mum with added stereotype & attitude. Really not much has changed but it got me thinking of how far i really have come since those teen years. The years I dreamt of being older, the unknown adulthood that made me anxious & excited at the same time. Being under the same roof & care of my dear family, my twinny boo by my side for literally everything. The good & the bad.  

First things first, you achieved the dreams...you have lived very fortunate early adult years & have followed an unbelivabley bright path. You made your achievements happen so be proud. You travelled half way across the world alone in search of adventure, the fizz of your daily existence being that you seek experience & a journey in everything & everyone. You have gained the truest friends & lost a few. You have understanding & knowledge that you desired to have, clinging on to facts that interest you & that you have now interested your own children with. Yes, you have two beautiful angels. One born to you & one a blessing to behold. Darcey and Jasper. They are your heart beat & smile. Given to you by the most incredible studley, your wonderful boyfriend. You are happy, content & so very accepting & patient with the world now. No more tears over reflections in the mirror & being the odd one out. You are still a black sheep. Your love for vintage floral things makes your friends giggle at how oldy you are. Your quirky & so uncool. But in a good way. You wont be bullied for this anymore. You care for your health now not the number on the scales & your interests, hobbies, loves & priorities revolve pretty much solely around your wonderful cherubs now not your appearence or selfishness. You were selfish* You understand the true meaning to sister as you have grown with the most beautiful, loving sisters. Joey has by far earnt her nickname of cuteness. She still is so very cute, such a darling & so honest, a great friend, a brilliant sister & an outstanding auntie. Your twinny boo, well she is still right by your side. She is such an adoring auntie to both Jasper & Darcey and is quick to teach be it new words, cool dance moves of most recently how to ride her horses. You are in contact everyday, you have an incredible love for each other (you love her minions*) & now if you fight you crave the serenity to stop being stubborn & just apologise rather than harbouring hatred as teenagers know to do so well. You are so unaffected by negativities that do not hold with you, will not accept untrue facts but are still very much an emotional wreck with your senses overwhelming you most days. Be it happy or sad. You are not bipolar haha, just a tad over emotional still. Not everything worked out on the route you thought best taken, but you learnt from it & that is so very valuable. 

You still have a huge love for reading & as futuristic technology goes you own twelve books on one handheld tablet called a kobo (basically what you used to always invent in your conversations with twinny on those nights your heavy books hurt your hands). You still love crime documetarys & reality tv. You have a passion for vintage clothing & household items, shabby chic you call it. You adore walks along the beach & around Swanbourne lake & realise how wonderful living on the south downs right by the sea is, so I guess, you appreciate nature. See that makes me old, Im nearly thirty!! eek...

You are well travelled & have had some amazing family trips away. You also travel to Australia, some what in a confused escape but hugely for seeking life on your terms. You work to fund a trip for three months up the east coast, these memories will never leave you & the friends you made are always in your heart, they made you feel energised to be you, they believed in you & affirmed your independance & security within yourself. 

You live everyday for the child you created. Your happiness is shown in him, he exudes contentment, blissful happy bunny that he is. You call him studley & he calls you poo poo head* You were made for each other. Your body changed dramatically with your heart in overload when he was born. Your heart beats irregularly when he steals hugs & kisses from you & with those darling words "I love you mummy, i do.."

And you have demolished the disney tale of the wicked step mother theory, you are a wonderful mother to a child you did not create. You have a brilliant relationship & your love for one another is different, its special & unique like you both. You are entrapped by her curiosity & shy qualities. She was the making of you as a mother & regardless of what happens from now into your elderly years you will always be grateful for her innocent love & the teachings she blessed you with, you will always love her. You have their amazing daddy to thank for your blessings too, he is an adorable, dimple king who has hold of your heart & soul & i wouldnt choose a better partner, you did so good* 

You have so much more to encourage you than you realise, you have a wonderful life. You made it that way & so for that I am so so proud. Your decisions, directions & journey were right. Stay true. 

143 x

ps- you actually get over yourself, stop taking selfies so often & learn to smile not pout**

boo boo nearly not two...

The studley bubb, the love of my life & the beat of my heart! The happiest Jaspey pie you will ever know of...he's turning three in three days. This is hard to fathom, exciting, scary, overwhelming & intense. I just cannot believe this happy little angel has been in my heart for so long now. Its going too quick, each day an exciting new beginning, each day just the happiest existence with my happy cherub. I have just not enough words of love to describe how amazing Jasper is. How amazing these three years have been & continue to be. My love is just explosive, a spilling over huge feeling in my body that I just am so in awe of to this day. Im so immensley proud of the bubba he has become, the lil man, my Jasper Casey Harrison as he now says...

People tell me how brilliant he is, how wonderful his personality is & the character he posseses is just so cheeky & fun. I even had my girlies recently saying they were going to hand their newborns to me for the first few years so their children will be as beautifully behaved & loving as my stud. Cant get better than that really. Today we had a kiss up. Its our game he says. Basic rules are who can kiss the biggest kiss* Best game ever. We had a leavers party from his pre-school & his art was displayed on the walls & his friends hugged him goodbye for the summer. He climbed the big scary wall at the beach & survived with no scratches. He unbuckles his seatbelt when the car has stopped & says "Im a big boy, I did it!", he trys to wipe his botty himself, every sentance is "I do it mama." He is not a baby, hes not a toddler, he is a boy. Officially...

Im not sure if it hurts or not. I dont yearn for him as a baby, i miss it for sure but Im so in love with the special boy he is that I dont really think of it but it is quite profound to me, age 3. The next birthday he has is his last as a non educated small child. Its all just so intense. For his birthday weekend we have the annual Firestation day event to attend on Saturday, he can ride in a neenaw & induldge in his love for emergency vehicles with a picnic & like last year he can dance along to the live band!! Then on Sunday we have a day out planned with friends & family to Washbrooks Farm. It has the best bouncy pillow ever & huge amount of park equipment to enjoy, zip wire, indoor slides & soft plays & obviously animals to pet & a tractor to ride. We have been having amazing weather this summer so Im hoping it holds out* We have an array of Marvel characters items to give him for his birthday, next dress up outfit being superman, new spiderman clothing & figures, Joey has a spiderman scooter for him & Bella an Iron Man figure. His favorite things ever just now. Anything Marvel or playdough* Cannot wait to celebrate the life of the best soul to grace this wonderful world...143 Jaspey boo, u are my happiness & heartbeat*

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Hisaronu, Turkey 2013

Its been far too long since last post. We have been enjoying a wonderful summer so to be honest Jasper & I have not stopped. Adventure days are everyday & we are outside more than in just now hence not being on the computer. But after a month & a day of drizzle Im ready to type up the unbelievable experience that our Turkey holiday was...

So, how do I fit this post into a somewhat small readable format not a book. Coz this holiday was a book in itself...adventures, love stories, hilarious twists n turns. A week of pure happiness. A week of blissful, chilled calm & for me no chores or cooking wup!! :) Together with my gorgeous man parenting our little angels, being a full family for such a long time :) Darcey being a beautiful water bubba, learning to swim with no aids, kissing us good morning & goodnight everyday, long hugs, girly giggles* And the studley, bestest damn boyo ever, amazing dancing, amazing character all day everyday, stress free, happy beyond belief to be around all his fam, happy to be with his best friend Darcey for so long, loving his spiderman rubber ring, pushing people in the pool & his water pistol!! The photos do sum it all up, the essence of pure devine happiness was just so apparent in us all. Only one moment made us grumble & looking back it was just too funny really & Im sure Ducky will cringe in horror when we relay the story when shes older, but lil miss got very stroppy after a week of huge amounts of pool time, swimming, dancing, early mornings & late nights. She didnt want to experience the mud bath we visited on our last day, she didnt want to paddle in the sea & she certainally did not want to leave holiday. She caused a fuss on each of these but was quickly calmed & like i say it really is hilarious to us now. Our holiday diary consisted of waking up for hotel breakfast, all sorts of choices & the rumbly tummys being fed well, then onto the same area beside the pool (we bagged this spot every day without problems) ice creams, coffees, milkshakes, football games, jumping in, slides, lilo & crocodile cruising, more snacks, nap time, then back to hotel to be ready for an evening out, some park time, walk into town then pick of many restaurants, shopping for 'genuine fakes', meeting camels, going on the bouncy kingdom!! back home to rest! Just so damn good. Me & Gary even got time to sun soak & have us time as everyone so enjoyed being around the bubbas that they would steal them for moments. Ducky learning to swim with her buddys Katy & Jade & sharing secrets & ice creams with Bella. Studley being tiggled, tricked & suncreamed up by Joey & Dave. Just such a fantastic week. We shared such adventures as part of our loving, huge family & no other word sums it up better than Bliss. There you go...143

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flashback friday**

My beaut pumpkin pies posing for a picture for daddys Christmas gift 2011. They absolutly loved the idea of giving daddy a present that had their sweet cherub smiles on it* My photography skills arent brilliant but it was an art form in itself capturing this with two chatty, excited bubbas** <3

Christmas 2010. This photo is one of my favourites of them all. You can see so perfectly their daddys features they were blessed with, they look so idealic, perfect brother & sister. Right before this Darcey had been tiggling Jaspey & smooching his cheeks. Right after they were holding hands & giggling* My happy heartbeats xx  143

Beautiful boy*

i Love that my goodnight kisses tiggle ur ears. That u breathe ur little sleepy "love u more more". That u still cling to ur dummy on occasions and make my heart urge for that baby you to be asleep on my chest, sucking your dummy and sleeping heart to heart. People tell me u need to get rid of the dummy but tbh it's been such a pull for me to let go of. At Christmas u gave ur dummies to the 'baby elves', that was it, but I sometimes just give u one because I know it makes u really happy, they make u feel comfortable and safe and warm for sleep time and that little sucking sound is such a pull on my heart strings. I miss the baby you. It's been nearly three years of u being my sweet baby and then bam, u wake up talking sentences, pulling your sleeptime nappy off to use the big boy toilet, running faster than me and that's it, transition made, ur a boy. Not a toddler or a baby, a big boy, a grown up boy, u go to big boy school and wear big boy clothes. Not labelled by months but years. It's hard to grasp that my sweet angels birth day was all that time ago. I remember vividly so much about ur baby years, documented by videos and photos too but in my heart just so outstanding overwhelmingly happy memories. It shocks me how much love i feel with life, with the family we have. Created in a muddle of wrong turns and half not physically my own doing but mine to love all the same. We call ourselves 'The Harrisons' and one day i know we will be fully just that. The man I call baby daddy, dimple king will become hubby, Studley hubb...

My heart is displayed physically so often now as if the surge of bliss just consumes my body that I have to touch, kiss and hug my dears. I often do my best thinking lying with Jasper whilst he is asleep just stroking his back & feeling like electric warmth, inspiration and happiness is just radiating off him, sounds a bit too hippyish but I think most Mama's will get what I mean :):) It makes me need to hug him tightly, kiss his gorgeous head, his chin & his shut eyes. It gives me the urge to squeeze him awake just to have a quick exchange once more of I love you's. I just love him so overwhemingly.

 I am so grateful for what I have, the lovely life I can enjoy & cherish. This blog post by Lucy at 'Dear beautiful boy' made me cry it hit my heart so much. Its as if my words were picked out of my brain & filtered so lovingly to someones more poetic, articulate words & then I just agreed nodding & crying tears knowing I feel so happy too, so in love with the life I have. Ive infact been told to that my posts here must be fabricated or elaborated as surely I have much more niggles, stresses & upsets as a family, especially a split family. But this inspired me, I am truley insanely happy with my blessing in my given, created,chosen family & I am writing from the heart & choose to be happy, end of...Anyway here it is in all its inspiring glory** 

http://www.dearbeautifulboy.com/2013/04/the-whole-truth.html

Choose to be happy, choose to be positive. 143**

darling ducky doo, i miss you**

Missing my lil angel tonight. Seriously just hate that we dont get to even speak on the phone or send mail with magazines & candy to her to show her were always thinking of her & if I buy Jaspey a magazine I wanna spoil her too. I always get her one for when she gets to ours but its just a hard one. Would really like to connect with other step mamas & see what life is like for them, do I love Darcey too much?? or is there others out there like me that regardless of bearing that child or not love them unconditionally. Maybe one day it will all make sense but for now there is so many questions I bully myself with, peoples comments good & bad & I do i guess battle with the instinct I feel for Jasper that I genuinally dont have with Darcey. She isnt my daughter so I dont have that mama bear bond with her in that sense so if there is any arguement or an upset I instictivally want to protect Jasper but thats the only difference I feel when I view my relationships with these adorable souls. And i think thats only fair, Darcey has her own mothers bond to cherish & may feel to put on if I over bare her with too much mothering but at the same time I fear so much she feels like the odd one out. All very difficult, confusing, challenging. I just love her so very much. Holding her on our trip out last Saturday when she was sleepy I just felt my heart fizzing when she snuggled into me & clung to my arm. She is so beautiful. She is so innocent & bloody adorable & kissable. 

It's so painful that often when I feel the desire to tell her we miss her or love her that that feeling is so unfulfilled as we can't sneak in her bedroom and kiss her sticky sleepy forehead, we can't hug her indoors from her day at school and we can't even just call her and say I love you honey. Breaks our hearts. We do however have a holiday coming up where we will be one whole family for a week and this has never before been granted to us and we are so so excited for this. Wake up as a family, have breakfast for 7 days as a family and well every meal time, eat ice creams round the pool and make people jealous by our family togetherness, them not knowing how desperate for years we have wanted this time with Darcey doo. I'm excited to hug her close every day and be carefree with her. There is children's fun park & pool, discos and swimming pool activities, they can get podgy on ice cream with the pennies everyone has been giving them since we booked the holiday and we will just be a proper full time family, total bliss and loving ness (not a word but its what's in my head!!) Two weeks today & I can hug her every single day, Im going to annoy her no doubt with so much love & smooches** I just cant wait, countdown has begun...but for tonight, I miss you darling, we miss you. 143**

my heartbeat**

Birthday Stud*

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful man, the most amazing father & the most cherished love of my heart, my hubbo boyf dimple king!!** A letter to you for your birthday sweetheart, to wish you all the happiness on your special day, but to blog about how grateful & lucky I am to have found you. First off, you blessed me with the most wonderful love in our children, I cannot imagine my life any different. Im not sure when I was young what I pictured for myself at 27 years old but I certainally hoped on hope that I would have found a good man to love me true & who I would love so dearly as I do you. I am so unbelievably blessed, astounded by the life we have together, how happiness is just so overwhelming when we have adventures as a family & how just loving you are to me even when Im being stroppy, tired or lazy :) I just love you with all of my heart babe. You are a brilliant daddy, the ultimate best fun player to our cherubs, a good team player in this parenting malarky & the softest mushy beaut when reading stories & putting Darcey & Jasper to bed. When I first met you I of course knew you had a young daughter, we spoke of her all night on New Years eve 2009, the way yopu spoke of her was so inspiring & loving, it gave me butterflies how passionate you were. New years eve was the first night we kissed. The day we now record as our anniversary :) <3 I left you for six months soon after to travel Australia & our love grew in such a muddled, mysterious way. We didnt see each other other than in photos for all that time, we spoke daily, our phone bills immense by the end of my trip. I came home for you, I cut my trip because I just needed to be with you, I missed you so much, I still remember that ache of missing you. It was the passion in our need to be together, finally we were & I moved in to your flat within the month of being home & have lived here ever since. We made it our home & its where we have raised these sweet angels we cherish. We havent had it as easy as it sounds but my god all the struggles & challenges we faced have sculpted our love & look at us now babe, I feel so proud that we are so strong as a team, so strong as a unity. I remember watching you in the hospital when Jasper was born & just feeling so calm, so secure & content & so overwhemingly in love with the family we created. I love your cute sad face you do, I love your dimples, I love your sleeping face, so calm & cute...I love when you hold my neck & cuddle me in, I love how funny you are, I love that you do press ups with chubby old me on your back, I love your muscles!! :) I love that you make me coffee even tho you hate that Im addicted to it, I love how fun you are with Darcey & Studley & how creative you are in games you play with them, I love the adventures you create...

'I love you' is so understated, the word doesnt mean enough, it doesnt express enough but I know you understand me truley. ILY 143 baby, our own special code, the words we know, we share that are equal to how we both feel. How beautiful is our life together baby, so wonderful. I hope you enjoyed you special day, being with you & Jasper was so lovely & chilled. I am so happy that you were able to speak to ducky too. I love you 143 baby, all my heart & kisses xxxx Wifey boo

tatty bumpkin

Just a quick post from a proud mummy. Jasper has pre-school now Tuesday morning 8.30-11 & Wednesday all day. He comes home drunk tired, he does so much there & loves it so much. Anyway today he done Tatty bumpkin yoga at school & the teachers were full of praise for him when I picked him up. He was confident, agile, extremely excited & happy to join in & a star...heart bliss** He is such a gorgeous fierce happy big boy now. Proudest mama!! I will get to see a video & pictures at parents evening in June so will try & get copies at least of the pics!! :):) <3 143

seaside smiles*

The bubb is sleeping & so I finally have time to note down some more wonderful memories we have created this month. The sun has been shining alot of late which is definately a recipe for more giggles, fun & exploring. Mainly to the seaside which we are super lucky to live a two minute walk from. The bubbas so love running in the low tide small laps of the sea & building sand castles, well Jaspey just mainly loves chucking wet sand & gettin stupidly mucky. This week we ventured down to the beach with towels, suncream, swim shorts, new bucket & spade & digger truck (poundland#woo). We were well prepared & had the most amazing afternoon just me & the stud. We have our bike out of the garage so cycled there. Got some lunch that we ate on the seaside & of course Jaspey got an ice cream the size of his head!! :) He paddled, sat, pretended to swim & jumped in the surf & had the best fun. I just watched blissfully content. I splashed him & ran & giggled with him & helped him write his name in the sand but unfortunalty my mobile phone had died so have no photo evidence but my heart will hold this day forever it was so brilliant. Its amazing how a soulful connection can genuinally overwhelm you. My love for my little boy just overspills my heart it really does. I must note though that this month we have seen a slight temper filter into Jaspers character. He doesnt tantrum hard or scream the house down, infact he's actually pretty crap at the whole strop/tantrum/meltdown scenario but he did say "My not happy, you make me cross mummy!". I hid my giggles & daddy walked away laughing. I decided a day of cake eating or sweets was not needed. I just said his & Darceys teeth needed a break, well obviously to a two year old this is shattering. Bless him* But again he has gained all sense of happiness that the sun seems to bring. We had an awesome time yesterday again heading to the seafront pirate park & we did bring swimwear but the wind was just too cold so we hid in our new favourite cafe by the park where mama had coffee & bubba had babychino ("my coffee mummy!") & a croissant. I read him some books & we just chatted it was surreal really he has such deep conversations now, has so many words in that amazing brain, so much knowledge. We then came home & sat in the back garden whilst Uncle Craig' new tortoise ran around like a loon keeping us on our toes (who said tortoises were slow was wrong, or is that turtles??) We sat in the sun for two hours, washed boo's bike & played with the tortoise, still un-named but according to Jasper is called Ironman!! His new obsession. He just loves all the Marvel movies & they have been on the tv recently so we recorded them & each day is breakfast with want for Ironman or Spiderman on the tv. He loves them. Well little boo got lucky as daddy decided to treat his little heman to an Ironman outfit just as good as the real thing!!! Pics to follow but my gosh he looks tooooo cute in his outfit. We had a good weekend with lil ducky too & got an extra night with her as it was a bank holiday. Again seaside fun was had, gettin bit repetitive but the kiddy winks do love it & me & Gary just acted like kids building castles ourselves. Perfect happiness** 143

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