For my sweet Darcey*

With a heavy heart I write this not knowing for sure whether I should but in need to express my thoughts. Alot has happened since Sunday night so my lateness for this post is granted but the thoughts are still haunting me really. Im desperate to be able to call you & ask how you are or come get u from school & have some Cara & boo time. It was half term last week so u were off school so from thursday morning to sunday night u were all ours, the Harrison family was together just how it feels right. Daddy had time off work & we as always had amazing, great adventures. It was uncle Sam & uncle Nick's shared birthday & we celebrated well including a huge surprise party for Sammy G on saturday night. U were so confident & looked so so beautiful. You danced away. head bobbing, feet two stepping & ran around with Jasper & Evelyn for hours. You so didnt want to leave as u had such a great time. On sunday u got to see Skye & went bowling with daddy, Uncle Craig & Ana whilst Jaspey slept for four hours (tired pooped bubb). We made hats for Sam & Nick and birthday cards. As always you were magically good, always such a sweet angel & so well behaved but you had a few moments were u seemed so sad. I spoke to u & asked you softly how u felt & u would just hug me. U said "Nothing" or would just stare & shut off. I had a nice talk with u & explained u need to be a five year old & just have fun, not be sad for big girl problems etc. We spoke of the fun things a five year old should experience & u asked also for a list of six year olds as u will be six next. But the real thing is u were sad, something underneath it all was a lost little Darcey & it hurt so bad to see. U shut off & absolutely wont talk of any emotions u feel, u dont speak of ur life with ur family when we dont see u, u rarely speak of school & any questions we ask always get brushed off for different conversation or off to play. This has always troubled me and daddy but its even more prominent now your seeming quite guuarded about ur life at mummys. Its so sad as we tried so hard to make your mummy see that co-parenting between us all would be such a benefit & I was sure i would be friends with ur mum as that is civil & apt for a split family but im so sorry to u darling that it has not been this way. We always have such amazing experiences, days, adventures but u seem lost recently Darcey, its breaking my heart and daddy cant register it, he doesnt want to. On Sunday evening we dropped you home & as usual it wasnt rushed or unexpected. U are given warnings as to when u are to return to ur mummys & usually seem to except this but on occassion get very sad & beg to stay more at daddys. I hope sweet darling one day u will understand we would of had u here forever if we could, its just not that easy. Im ur step mummy, u are not of my blood & we dont share the same characteristics but we love each other so truley & i can only hope u have that with ur mummy. We dropped u home & as soon as we pulled up to ur home u were in tears, Jasper was sad aswell as he hates saying goodbye to u. You climbed onto my lap & we hugged so tightly & after soothing u & explaining the situation u seemed to calm & we kissed u & daddy held u tight and took u to ur mummys door. U started sobbing again & ur mum greeted u with such anger that u were very shocked & before daddy could explain the situation the door was shut. I feel haunted & sick to my stomach thinking of ur darling heart being so sad & not gettin the comfort a child needs, im devastated u are not being hugged tight & cherished after not seeing ur mum for four days & our hearts break having to leave u when it feels so unnatural. We felt like we should be saving u but there was no lawful thing we could have done. The hurt is so immense & we cryed all the way home. I promise u now, this will not happen again. I will protect u anyway I can from the hurt a five year old should never know. Darling Darcey, my love for u is so bewitching, so amazing. You are not my child but i love you so much. One day sweet baby, one day i promise, you will always smile. You will make your own choices & make good decisions & not be so closed. I will keep pushing for the break in your heart to heal, whatever I can do I will, daddy & Jasper also. Words cannot describe the sadness of leaving you each week. One day we will have a different way...we love you, i love you to the truest form. 143**

Adventure bunnys*

We had another brilliant adventure this weekend. It was our time with Darcey doo home & i wanted to plan more adventures & fun for my sweet cherubs. I had wanted to run on the sand with Jasper & Darcey since I looked out the windows at work & saw children & dogs running around at low tide, splashing in the shallow waves & getting mucky on the wet sand. So after a hot drink to warm us we headed to the beach. It was so very cold but we were wrapped up so snug & the bubbis were so excited to chuck rocks into the sea that i couldn’t break our plans. Im a little organiser & plan to the last detail so i had spare socks & hats, gloves & snacks to keep them happy if it got too much. We managed to get Meemaw in on the cold quest too :) We got to the sea & Darcey instantly had rocks in her hand chucking them at the deep grey, murky surf. It was so muggy & typical February weather, the air was damp & it was cold but the giggles warmed us. Jasper was terrified but humoured by the crashing waves, the tide was coming in & there was no sand to be seen ( I blame the café as they had a toy area for children & we got stuck there longer by a headless spiderman & mini keyboard). Anyhow, after a time Darcey asked if she could paddle. Im usually excited to know the munchkins wanna explore & be crazy, im definitely not too strict in what is right or wrong appropriate wise as a child. Fun to me & fun to a child is so different so I usually try hard to go with it & see where it takes us. I had my anxieties that she would want to leave straight away as the water would freeze her toes but seeing her little shy heart beam when she ran away from the first few scary waves was just amazing. She had such a presence that radiated fun & excitement & in those moments we just loose ourselves. Once she was in to her knees & shrieking with laughter, running at us with the biggest smiles, I decided it was time me & Jasper went in with our amazing sweetpea. Jasper was in awe of his big sisters fearless, animated behaviour but was rather apprehensive that the waves weren’t infact as fun as they seemed. So singing, smiling & holding his hand we shuffled to the waters edge & when a wave lapped we would run away frantically chuckling at our escape. Holding my beautiful babys hands laughing like we laughed is just the happiest, heart bursting love. Sure enough after less coaxing than I thought was needed me & Jasper joined cherub cheeks in the water (meemaw had posh shoes on & was on camera duty, good excuses really!!)  It was beyond bloody freezing & yes there is need to swear, it was god damn ice cold. But so exhilarating…I felt like it was as good as walking on hot coals for my lil rascals. We had such a moment & it was wonderful. Needless to say we really didnt stay long as my numb feet were having trouble carrying my weight & Jasper being the smallest had a wave lap up his little behind & had a "wet willy mummy" haha :):) I so embrace the amazing ability to feel so energised by my lovely munchkins activities & loose myself in the stupidity & recklessness of being a child. So this day I loved because it was reckless & beyond fun. 143**

My scrumptious love-a-kins**

So Im dedicating some words to my little handsome Studley who has stayed overnight with Auntie Jojo & Weasel, as Im missing him so much I thought id come talk about him**

My happy heartbeat astounds & overwhelms me everyday. He is so amazingly happy & so selfless & caring. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I felt such huge pride in this adorable baby we had created, little did we know we were being blessed with an angel* No step from feeding, bathing, sleeping or potty training has been a disaster or frustration. Potty training a boy is notoriously difficult apparently but my munchkin decided that he enjoyed the praise Evelyn & Gracey got from successful potty trips that at 16months he had his own potty & by 21 months he was dry each day. I never really took much credit for my patience & perseverance because in reality, Jasper loved the idea of wee weeing in a potty, he felt proud of himself & adored the congratulations he received & so he really did work hard himself to be out of nappies. He absolutely knows he has amazed many a health visitor, nursery carer or new mummy friend. He even inspired a few of his friends mummys to train their own children when they saw him successfully & happily using his potty so young. His feeding has always been amazement to me too, never ever in his whole 30 months now has he not tried a food Ive put infront of him. He states lovingly "Mmm lovely mummy" to my home made stews, soups & spaghetti sauce (some of his favourites). He helps me cook & bake sometimes & loves helping butter his toast or pouring his milk! Ive never pressured, if he doesnt like a food, I know & i dont try him with it for at least 6 months, and you can guarantee after 6 months, he will try that food & enjoy it!! His sleeping was a lil hard at first, newborn stage is a given but by 5 months he was demanding his dummy every few hours at night. After reading a brilliant book I followed a guideline for controlled crying and after just 5 nights he decided that the dummy wasnt that important, he held onto it for a few more years though & just this Christmas we got rid of them for good, to baby elves that need them*

He is like a lil sponge soaking up so much knowledge & wisdom in small daily tasks & through singing he has learnt a lot more words & his numbers to seventeen. He is so wonderfully confident, happy & charming. Im so in love with the boy he has become, the toddler who is so active & excited, so loving & sweet & so funny & adorable. We’ve hardly seen a flicker of terrible two’s which being such an independent, feisty boo I thought would be imminent, he is just so content.

Just now he has an almighty obsession with Spiderman which is confusing as he has never watched it, but he says “Spiderman neenaw” because he has the colour red on him so Im assuming his undying love for fire engines, Fireman Sam & the colour red have made him attracted to Spiderman! So we brought him a Spiderman outfit & just recently we found a fire engine toy driven by Spiderman (can u get any better than that haha)** He adores Roxy, Nanna’s doggy & going for walks with her. He loves chucking stones into the sea & the new park built like a pirate ship!! He LOVES cake with so much passion its hilarious* He can read his ‘Just like Jasper’ book word for word & still adores Toy Story & Buzz Lightyear. We’ve started more arts & crafts activities & he enjoys the messiest of course, Playdough & painting!! We go to singing group & Activ8 & biased of course he is the most confident & willing bubba there, singing loud & clear & dancing along to his own tunes. He loves walking in the rain, splish splashing in puddles, he's fascinated by huge tree's & picks daisy's for me & daddy* He loves anything that has wheels, bikes & neenaws are his fave but if you can make a vroom noise whilst playing with it, thats magic* He loves fish, & Santa (even though Christmas was weeks back he still gets out his Christmas sticker books) & baking with mama. He really is a giggle monster & has everyone around him smiling with affection, even walking of the bus he waves bye bye first to the passengers & then a huge bye bye & thank you to the driver. Yes, writing it now, you can see, no lies, he is an angel…the most amusing, beautiful child I could have wished for & such a delight to everyone. This sounds rather boastful but I do have such pride in my amazing son, it is beyond magically wonderful that I was blessed with my scrumptious love-a-kins** 143

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Snow studley*

This week was our first snowy week since you were five months old Studley. You are now 2 years+5 months & you looked out at the snow in such awe & excitement remembering from your Christmas books that snow means building snowmen!! We had such an excitable morning the first day we woke up to snow. We walked a short trip to the seafront café, chucking snow balls & getting cold noses. If u saw a patch of snow untouched you ran circles in it. I watched you enjoy the snow & just feel so blessed to have the happiest little adventure seeker. You slipped over & got up giggling unhurt & laughing at your simple experience of a toddler tumble in the slippy snow, you unwittingly made a snow angel* And you sweet boy are just that, my little angel :)

 We also had a great weekend of snow fun with our amazing family. We had a huge snow war, girls vs boys, you were our decoy bubbs, we hid behind your cuddles for a breather before we bundled the boys again. You ran & laughed so much that you were warm for hours in the snow. We all laughed & shared joy in watching you baby. My eyes look on with such admiration for the boy you are. Its in the littlest things I see this; when you giggle to yourself walking like an astronaut in the snow, when you run smiling towards the sound of a neewnaw, watching you eat breakfast (your cherub cheeks chewing always makes me giggle), the way you smile so kindly at passing children, when you reach for my hand before I get to yours, just your easy, content nature. Your cheeky & happy. Your smile is a heartbreaker & you are so lovely & sweet to strangers who want to tell mummy how adorable & clever you are after watching you for seconds themselves. You’re patient & willing even when we’re doing chores & errands. You enjoy any activity I put to you & absorb so much in everyday life. Just yesterday at the Chemist you got talking/babbling with an old dear & you ended up singing the alphabet song to her, cuddled her goodbye & got tears swelling in her eyes about how fortunate she felt to have met you, her words. Such powerful adrenaline & emotions you give to people just by your glowing presence. Im so proud of you, Im so proud for me & daddy to have created such a blessing to bring such goodness & light into our family. Im so proud of your strong body giving you abilities to be the most amazing little soldier on earth. I said I was too mushy but you will grow to know this, I think the amount of hugs & kisses I steal from you each day shows I cant get enough of you & we must say I love you more a million times over each day** I love that through you we can all loose ourselves in our fun, childish ways. I skip along streets with you, pulling faces & laughing loud so un-caring of anyone who is watching because in my mind I know their thinking, what a wonderful scene. A happy & loving family. Im truly the luckiest mummy to be blessed with you Jasper Casey 

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Heartbeats*

This photo is so uniquely beautiful to me. I took it after a brilliantly fun bath with the shower acting as some water world adventure apparatus, that according to Darcey is not scary anymore (only last weekend she near on broke down when I accidently said right time for your shower baby rather than bath.*) I thought you looked so cherub like that I asked for you to smile so I could take a photo. The spontaneous thought resulted in this fascinating photo that just makes my heart melt. Your smiles & the way you are encouraged to be yourselves is so characterized. Darcey our bright, sensitive, achingly shy angel, look at your happy yet thoughtful smile, definitely a little pensive as you always are with random photos being snapped but still so crushingly beautiful. Straight after you want to see the picture & always laugh at cheeky cherub Jaspey boo. Our handsome monkey, my sweet baby boy, your smiles always break me, they make my heart ache for how much I love you & they make me want to snuggle you so hard :) You are by far, the most fun loving, cheeky, adventure bunny & we adore your crazy, attention adoring personality, it’s the humour of the Harrison household & anytime sweet Darcey gets shy you are the only one to break her. She dances without thought with you, she giggles so hard at your clumsy silliness & she relishes in the thought that she has taught you silly words or to shake your tush tush* Its not just instinctive or unconditional that I love you just so much, you bring my world to a standstill just to stare at you & to capture a photo that’s inspires me so amazes me. But I know anyone reading this post or viewing this picture will never quite understand what I see & have love pouring out their eyes for the emotion it creates!! Its us babys, its family, its mine* blessed beyond expectation** 

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Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute...You didn't grow under my heart, but u, my darling Da'rcey, grew in it xxx 
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So it begins...

Where to start? I have so many experiences with my little pumpkin pies I don’t really have a start point. I’ll just type & see what happens for now…

Im a little mushy to be honest, way too sensitive & overwhelmed by my emotions on every occasion. So be it humour, events or adventures I post about it’ll have lots of emotions, nicknames & underlying love.

Studley has chicken pox to start the year off but even that has not fazed us. Im so happily content in the joyous family me & Gary (baby daddy*) have created that for me the start of a new year is just a date now. It used to mean so much to me, whether a year would be good or not. Now hand on heart, my life is amazing. We have set backs & problems along the way but these amazing critters that are mine give us such brilliant love & happiness. Darcey went back to her mummys New years day & we miss her so much as always. Jasper crys & refuses to kiss her goodbye, poor boo doesn’t understand of course & she herself doesn’t understand why Jasper gets to live with us but she cant. They are so happy to be around each other, Jasper definitely clings to her & she loves being bigger, faster & stronger than him & plays mama, picking him up & gives him kisses sayin “u kk baby??” I spy on them when they play together, he nearly always wants what toy she has & she nearly always gives it up to him, she laughs at his snotty face & wipes it from his nose & his eyes twinkle in awe learning from her how to play & use his imagination to make their games even more exciting. They are just so cute together. They have such a special bond considering they get such little time together as brother & sister. When I fell in love with Gary I knew I would take on Darcey with huge love in my heart & be a positive influence to her, so to be blessed with being this gorgeous girls step mummy is awesome. Proud doesn’t cut it when I think on our relationship. She is my little cherub pie & I am her bum bum mummy Cara (her choice not mine!!) I teach her as much as she teaches me. Were a team. We bake, we colour, we paint, we sing, we dance (shake our bum bums), we have marshmallow fights & both love doing art & crafts & know were really good at it :) We have girly days too which I cherish. After our last girly day Darcey asked me why I loved her, such a spontaneous, intrigued question from a 5 year old. I told her that when I fell in love with her daddy I also gave her my heart & took on the role of being a special friend to her & as our bond grew we became a family. She then said with her little smile “Thank you”. She said she knew I didn’t have to love her but I did & she thanked me, my heart was solid gold that day. I have the greatest most inspiring bubbas* 143

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New years resolution 2013- stage 1

Created blog to hold memories so my happy heartbeats can read when they are older. To document the smudges on my existence, the spontaneous adventure and happy laughter so easily forgotten. I want my beautiful cherubs to know how overwhelmed they make me with happiness. I love you is the term we use to acknowledge this now but I hope in their future they know how ridiculously brilliant they have made mine & their daddys life**