Monday, 5 May 2014

cant handle

I am beyond upset again tonight. I have felt this absolute low many times in five years of loving my darling Darcey. Gary & I both. But the frustration is overwhelming me again. The upset & anxiety of leaving our sweet girl with such a fraught atmosphere again unsure if she will receive comfort, love & cuddles. Another weekend of happy blissful smiles ruined in an instant for our sensitive cherub. No welcome home, no smiles. Just anger & cross words for us as the control of her mum has been in our hands, which creates such anxiety with her that she expels such cruel behaviour in punishment for us but ultimately Darcey too. Plans that have been promised for Darcey with us taken away in anger. Darceys tears* The sense that we are so out of control of our girls life. Okay not my girl, Garys baby, his first love. How he is still standing with the hurt he feels right now is beyond me. I am not writing this to expose Darceys mum, I need an outlet & today its in form of my blog. No doubt I will delete this before Darcey is grown to read it. But some sense often comes from writing down my upsets. I don’t know where it has changed back so drastically fast to being uncivil again. I have tried so very hard, I have masked my own insecurities as a step mummy to care for my ducky who could ultimatley reject this devoted love one day* I will forever love her with my all & wont be ashamed of this but Im knocked down so often. (Not by Darcey I must add)
Why cannot it be seen as admirable that I would like to gift this sweet boo with my heart too. She is a part of my family even if I wasnt to accept it. I am in her mothers life regardless of how that makes her feel. Its an odd situation but I have always tried to be so kind & friendly, not step on toes, not be too much or try & seek control & always always encourage happy thoughts of her mums house when Darcey is feeling sad about leaving our home. Ive been quiet when awful things have been spoken about me as to not create a reaction then more divide, I am patient when we are denied extra time with Darcey & am so accepting that her mothers choices for her may not be what we agree but thats her decisions & we obey, accept, follow the rules etc. But how is it even when we follow suit so easily & willingly that we are then delivered such nastiness. Driving away from Darcey knowing the tears are falling with her aswell as us is such an uncomfortable feeling that I could explode. I needed to scream & cry & scream some more. Gary just drove thumbing the wheel harshly, talking to Jasper to calm the sting in his eyes. Jasper asking why his sissy has to go? Just heartbroken & desperate. Why cant it just be simple. Why why why???

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