I'm very aware that most of my posts are usually the positive side of parenting.  The happy beauty we are blessed with as mothers. But like many we have our difficulties.  Our issues with being co-parents for Dàrcey, bedtime tantrums, spoilt behaviour & the exhausting early starts from Ducky.  This week life took it up a notch. I'm writing this as it's the only therapy I know works for me. I'm exhausted beyond belief from the trauma & struggles we as a family have suffered this week. I can actually feel myself stunted writing the next words. We were in a house fire. The huge hurt in my chest is pulsing at the notion. We survived a fire & now we are dealing with the consequences.  I write this in a family room of a hotel our insurance has accommodated us with. It's a nice hotel, it's not a sofa or my brothers bed* (sorry for taking over your home for the week) it's emergency accommodation & I'm not ungrateful for the benefit but it's not home. It's devastating! We have no set plans for our favourite December day. Putting the tree up & shopping for a new bauble or dec. We may not be home in time for Christmas. Our lil home was smoke damaged severely & the basement flat below us where the fire was present is gutted. So until all the repairs, assessments & scary details are hashed out we will be living out of a bag each. We have been so well supported by the dearest friends & family. I am so overwhelmed by how amazing even my newest of friends have been. Jasper has been gifted with brave boy presents, he's had a few sleepovers with his Lil buddy's to help Gary & I & my amazing buddy who I didn't even know before school term started has been incredible to us. Having Jasper for us whilst we had to meet with loss adjusters & take detailed reports on the damage to our home & giving me a place to be when it was school time & i had no place to go.

Jasper my dear sweet angel has been so brave. We woke to the scariest image of a smoke filled home. It was pouring through the carpets & even with our high ceilings it surrounded our home quickly & made it scarily dark. The groggy confusion of waking to this scene & having to make sense of the situation, alert emergency services & try & be calm for him keeps replaying.  We are so very lucky to of woken. We were both suffering smoke inhalation without even knowing & had to be treated in hospital. More so my poor Bubb than me. He had low oxygen & extremely quick pulse.  He showed an adult wise understanding when I explained to him there was a fire when we got out on the front lawn in our dressing gowns, frozen & being watched by school run curiosity. Thank god no-one was in the fire below us & we were the only ones at risk. I will never forget the details of this slow motion horror. My darling Jaspeys face when he had a mask covering half of it, machines on his fingers & blood tests taken. Smiling his unsure smile, wanting reassurance & desperate to be on my lap & safe. He didn't show it then but he's been effected by this. He was too busy giggling at the blow up glove called Charlie Chicken & marvelling at all the fire fighters. Today Nanna asked him what his favourite thing is about the hotel. His stark response has floored me "When we get to go home!!" He had loved staying at Nannas & was so excited for the double beds adjacent to each other that he could jump to & throw on, i stupidly felt he was some what settled. But he wants home as much as we do. He wants his toys & his jammies & his bed. The out of control anxiety is overwhelming. We are safe but sleep is fitful. The worries of what next is too upsetting & like I say we are unsure if we will be in our home for Christmas.  Which has worried both cherubs no end as they are confused as to how Santa will know where we will be. Dàrcey even asked why Santa had let this happen to us. She had to miss sleeping over with us on our access & after having a good chat about the fire & fire saftey to ease her worries she still cried. She said she knows fire can kill & when her mum said she couldn't sleepover as we had a fire she had assumed we had gone. I'm so cross that she wasn't informed properly but also that really this has happened & it happened due to silly negligence that has got to be made aware. It was an accident no less but one that has turned our lives over. The small child who lives below us turned on the hob for his mother's electric oven. It heated up over time & set fire to toys & packages she had on top of her stove. We have lost our home because of such small actions. We almost lost a lot more which is the saving grace in all this that I cling to every single second.  It will be fuel for a better 2015. A better forward & happier times. But as you can imagine the what ifs creep in at points & the surreal, unbelievable events of this past week have sunk me low. I will endeavour to spread the word of fire safety & I am very pleased a lot of friends are listening & have got themselves smoke & carbon monoxide detectors. The smoke alarm did not wake us on this occasion,  once your being poisoned they rarely do. So I can't advocate a carbon monoxide detector enough also.  I don't feel better for writing this so that's shit!! But the awareness is what I must be pro active on, especially in this season when fire hazards are so prevalent.

My incredible little reader*

Tonight after choosing new Usborne first reading books from the library, Jaspey decided it was time to try & read one with me to Daddy & Darcey. We have very briefly touched on the concept of reading & he has spent each day from school showing me his lovely picture books & reading these from his own imagination what he believes the story to be. He has also had books with words but none that I would say coincide well with beginners. Since the end of his last term Jasper really understood that if you spell out individual letters in a word they sound like a word. At which he was inspired. So he has read cat, hat, is & it with confidence & pride. He has gained such an interest that I see reading becoming a hobby to him. I am the proudest Mama after he so enthusiastically & confidently read three pages to us & not only were they easy sound words, but also he sounded out roll & cannot to the point of figuring them out after playing with the letters out loud, not really knowing how six letters connected but then magically combining them all to this awesome bloody word. I was so excited & we all gave him such praise. It was just incredible, such a wonderful family moment. Boastful as I am my overwhelming pride just cannot contain. He is such a superstar my darling boy* 

Seaside wonder

Its so funny to me. Just recently we went down to the seaside on a cold, broody day but I had to resist letting the bubbas go down to the shoreline. The tide was going out, it was showing sand & this is their most favourite tide. Deep water to run & splash in but sand to create with too. But the funniest thing is nearly two years ago I wrote this post about the most exhilarating, silly, fun adventure we had at the beach. Freezing cold day & running in the sea. Anyhow, it became quite the tradition to go to the beach & run fully clothed in the sea on the most random of days. Of an evening after a very harsh workout, cooling off in the shallow water, my bag & trainers almost lost to the tide coming in. On playdates during the summer when we hadn't intended to head to the sea so had no swimwear & on a sun soaked evening walking with Grampy & his doggy. This particular evening Ducky asked if she could paddle, she had her sandals on & was splashing & letting the waves chase her. I was throwing stones into the water for Roxy & look up to boo being waist deep in water, on her knees in the low tide playing with the sand beneath. I loved it entirely for the simple fact that she knew I would allow this. She knew her care free silly time is exposed when she hits the seaside. She is such a shy lil bubb, very unsure of her place in the world just now & is very strict on herself. I remember once taking her to the beach to just scream. We sat & had ice cream on a warm evening & I said to her its fun, its okay. She just couldn’t do it. Then a few weeks later she was there at the waters edge screaming, laughing, being crazy fun loving child. These moments are full of adventure & childish delight. I absolutely revel in the fact they both adore this silly tradition now but also if we have a place to be after a stroll to the seafront I do have to keep them off the stones otherwise one glance away & their knees are wet :):) My funny little munchkins. Come rain, snow or sunshine, we will always be seashore worshippers <3

And the pool at the park too**

Our happy place*

Swanbourne lake in Arundel was always a lovely stroll of a weekend date day for me & Gary when I first came back from Australia. Its the first outdoor visit I had with Darcey in tow when I met her. I have photos of me with a large baby bump waddling along after feeding the ducks & it has been a constant in all seasons as our most favourite go to for my lil famalam. It holds such beauty, adventure, happiness & sunshine. Even in the rain light bounces off the lake creating such stunning natural beauty. The ducks feed out of your palm & the amazing Arundel Castle is in view on the stroll around the lake. Fields with high hills to tumble down, rabbit holes to search in & trees roots to climb. It is such a perfect location. It is such a beauty spot Im inspired by & I look at my darlings in the light reflecting off the water & just beam. I have always been so in awe of nature, its stunning vision. I have travelled to some incredible scenic views in my years, but those close to home always jut me a little more. I love that I live a short drive from such history & even though my sponge brain does not hold all the information on each idealic town & building, I love them. We had another gorgeous fun filled day here today with some very dear friends & their daughters, lil blondie sunbeams. When friendships grow as strong as family it makes me so very happy!! Plus they may one day be Jaspers in-laws as Livi has declared Jasper is hers to marry & love <3<3 haha. Today was a brilliant day* 143

Jasper Casey

Recently time has flown by far too fast for my liking. I got told about this of course, by other mummys with their lil beauts already in school. But wow, time is ticking by. The daily routine & chores are the biggest portion of the day. School has taken over* I miss my boy so much. I miss the days we used to stay in our onsies & just play & craft & eat lunch at 11am. I miss the day trips I'd plan, the train rides to these locations, the leaflets collected stashed in my bag, his map reading. I miss the park visits, the coffee dates & play dates all day every day. Jasper had his first half term & then in a kind of god send type way he got poorly. Due back on the Tuesday after an inset day, but off school for three extra days. Cuddled up to me mostly, puzzles that have been untouched since term start were done twice in a day, we coloured in his books he got months ago, we finished his Alphablocks magazine. I said Yes to his many requests. More smoothie please, can u snuggle with me please, can u read me stories in the bath please. I have craved this much needed time for just me & him. We both needed it & it was a blessing even though he had to feel poorly for it to happen. We are now in the education bubble & it feels sad to say but I am already looking forward to the next half term. I find myself just watching him. He always catches me after a minute or two & giggles shyly, but then follows up so cutely with "Love you Mama." I just adore his lil chubby cheeks, his expressions are so funny & his lil character is just displayed in every movement he makes. I am so in awe of our beautiful creation. Gary & I often talk about how insanely proud we are of him & lucky we are to have such a sweet natured dear boy who just loves to love. Tonight in the car i reached back to hold his hand. He squeezed mine like his daddy does. Its an obvious lil thing that two squeezes each means I love you. Jasper has started to do this as he knows it makes his mama happy, he told me so. Isnt that just the cutest* I steal kisses when he sleeps & still get all the cuddles I could ask for. But my lil man is changing in the rushing time past. He is growing faster & stronger & is so wise & funny. He has new moles on his body, odd but that's what he has always focused on as another stage into big boy hood* He'd count them in the shower & shout out "Mama ive grown some more i have a new mole!!" His left eye is edged with the cutest freckles. His feet are ginormous. His clothes size has gone up. Just growing so perfectly. He managed to after many attempts climb a little wall last week. He couldn't figure it out for a while & then boom. He got it. He was hugging me so excited & just said "Mummy my body it, did u see, i wanted to do it & my body did!" He was so impressed with himself. He is my sunshine & hope. My absolute all. My Jasper Casey Harrison. 143*

Halloween 1/2

We recently had Studleys first half term. It was the most awesome fun week. Gary had time off & we had extra quality time with Darcey doo too. Mega hours as a family, treating ourselves to day trips & yummy lunches. Exploring new locations & creating with new messy play ideas. We even had some sunshine to inspire our first shaving foam fight!! Times like these are what family, my darling family breathe for* We also had a lot of fun with new really messy play activities, a uv light halloween night. Playdates with Jaspers new buddys Harry, Poppy & her adorable lil bro Teddy & his ol bestys Eddie & Lilly. Cinema trip, coffee dates, trick or treating, walks to the beach in the rain & still time to do homework & reading fun* 143 <3<3<3

School stress

We have been so very busy each day & we dont have many hours to spare now Jasper is in school. I am finding this harder than bubb. He is so fueled by his school days & learning, he comes homes with all his knowledge fronm the day eager to show & tell. His writing was brilliant before but has improved massively, he knows all his letterland characters, their sounds & actions & loves writing & drawing. He has his little friendship group that he is confident in & has enjoyed play dates with. He has his best friends established now after five weeks & speaks fondly of every aspect of school. Lunch time hot dinners, his teachers, his play areas, p.e & his fav building blocks. There has been a few woes of nastiness in the playground but this has always been comforted or sorted by a teacher. But it disturbing to me to write that this week passed we had a very upsetting incident that I just cant shake from. Jasper luckily is so unfazed, he does not understand the gravity of the situation & the danger. But i know all to well the anxiety & stress Ive been burdened with, I know I will not forgive or forget quite as easily. Last Thursday on pick up from school I was informed by a friend that whilst she was stood waiting for her daughter to leave the classroom on recognition of her mummy, my darling boy was let out of the classroom un-greeted by me or a guardian. Pick up is between 2.45pm-2.55pm. Im unsure as to why we have a ten minute window but as it goes this one day I didnt get there until five minutes after pick ups started, Im always so early so you can see why I have had such guilt ever since. Thank god for my brilliant friends awareness as Jasper was first in line, let out first & not passed to someone who would care for him. He was left to wander for thirty seconds before my friend realised a family member or friend was not in place of me & so she guided him back to the teachers. I was made aware of this incident immediatley from my friend & obviously scooped Jasper up as soon as he was with me & in too much shock to confront his teachers who did not offer me this information or an explanation. That evening I was in bits to be honest. Angry & overwhelmingly anxious & upset. Speaking to others I felt that I was justified in my absolute nauseating fears & so the next morning I asked to speak with his teacher. She offered no explanation as to why I was not informed, how he had got so easily seperated from her with no welcoming adult & even tried to state that he was just infront of her when 'she' noticed I wasnt there so took him back in. A lie. A lie that now has left me with no trust in his teachers & after arranging a meeting after school Im still very unsure of how I feel about the follow up. His head of year was there & re-assured me it was a one off case & would make them all more cautious of security. It was complete lack of communication & the protocall was not followed. Its just bizarre as if I was the teacher I would be so horrified in my actions. I dont want to be overly expecting of what a teacher should provide but safety when I am not there for him is the only thing I would want to be 100%. Have an off day & my son play lego or jigsaws all day, dont teach him all the wisdom you could, but dont ever put my darling boy in danger. Its just heartbreakingly horrific & I just dont know what else to do to make the school days feel comfortable again. Im at home or work thinking constantly on what he is doing, is he safe, is he okay. Its punishment in the worst form for giving up my angel to a school system which seems to be so lacking. I had such ease with his school, his teacher when I chose this place for his education. I just feel so let down. Communication has been a bit better & the children are less rushed out at hometime but there is still things that niggle & cause such stress in my worried mind. I just really am clueless as to what to do. I dont want to change his class as he adores his friends & actually really does like his teacher & t.a. Its me with all the problems but I thin justified given the circumstance. I just dont bloody know :(:( So for now, school is a fucking burden on my heart and I hate that it has to be this way. Divinely my sweet natured, huge hearted lil man is fine. But if one thing comes out of this then please, teach your child that if you are not there, go back to his teacher & ask for help. Never let it be that your child may search for you. I never for a second thought Id have to explain to Jasper what to do if he is let out & Im not there!!* 

Autumn Bucketlist*

We have started our Autumn wall now. It still has gaps & feels quite bare really. I tried getting some art work out of these bubbas early so it could be done in time for Autumn but just didnt happen. Jasper & I had a wonderful time after school last week collecting leaves & dry flowers & enjoying a spider hunt in Beach House Gardens. He stuck them to an old frame border & we have framed his painting of a tree with a squirell in it. It looks so cute* Whilst he was making his frame this huge odd looking bug crawled off a leaf onto his leg. Jasper was so calm & intrigued, he is just a wonder. Fearless lil beaut :)

He's also made a hand print Spider his auntie Jojo inspired. He stuck googley eyes on & is so impressed & proud of the outcome of all his art. It was such a relaxed, beaut afternoon. We took his easel outside on the lawn & Jessika his friend who is a neighbour also joined us. I got them to write their names on the chalk board & then dip there finger in water & retrace the chalk & spell their names out with the water. It was a good activity that Jasper really loved. He liked that the chalk dissapeared but his name still stayed just in a different form. He also drew a giraffe eating from a tree like his favourite teddy GiRalph would!! So amazing & far too cute how attatched to this mini teddy he is :):)

We have been so very busy each day & we dont have many hours to spare now Jasper is in school. I am finding this harder than bubb. He is so fueled by his school days & learning, he comes homes with all his knowledge fronm the day eager to show me. His writing was brilliant before but has even some what improved, he knows all his letterland characters, their sounds & actions & loves drawing.

Ducky turns seven*

Sweet Ducky doo, you are seven today. And what a beaut of a seven year old you are bubba. Happiest birthday wishes for you little angel. I cant believe a year has passed since I wrote your last birthday post. You are growing up so quickly, into such a super little darling. This year feels like its rushed by but we have made some immense memories, laughed the happiest gut aching laughs & you even started to let me photograph u & pose like a lil moo after years of shying away from the lens. You have more confidence than ever before & say the funniest things, you still have a fascination with the words poo & butt so your 'Dinosaur that pooped the past' book was a win!! You make our hearts smile boo <3

 This is the first year we have the absolute blessing of celebrating your actual birthday with you. We had you after dinner time & will have you all weekend to enjoy celebrations & more gifts, ice creams & cuddles. We were so excited for today & planned a treasure hunt of gifts ready for you which you loved, hunting out your toys & being surprised that there was still more to find after your haul created a mountain. You excitedly made your own ice cream sundae with sweet treats, angel delight, ice cream, jelly & marshmallows & sprinkles. Family visited & you played til late & now your snoozing with your dear bear that daddy brought you as a newborn, so precious. You are such a treasure sweetpea. We miss you more than you can imagine when we cant see you but the joy of the countdown towards our weekend with you is always exciting. You are an incredible big sissy to your Jabba poo. He just adores you & has been so insanely excited this week knowing your birthday was near. He had chosen some gifts for you & even helped me wrap them so carefully. And as it went you were so kind in letting him unwrap them with you too :):) We just adore you bubbs. You are our little angel, our princess & the cutest blondie. Never change sweet baby. All my love & kisses today & always xx 143

Darling Studley

My gorgeous lil man is just such a star. He has taken to full time school days so impeccably. He is so comfortable in the routine of school & even though he's been a tad grumpy at times from feeling so tired, he just so loves it. He has these adorable ways, saying goodbye to his favourite friends ten times each afternoon, walking to school swinging on my hand gently & excitedly chatting all about his previous day & now he comes home with a book each day. They are wordless so he gets to follow the story by pictures & has really made a show of sitting me down to read to me. He is so curious of the title & spells the letters out to me. These are lilac coloured books which he is very proud of & makes my heart melt. He read to great nanny & auntie Ju yesterday. A book about a butterfly, a bee, a spider & lots of flowers, he was scaring us with the spider hidden in the flower. He read this story with his teacher & told her he'd been stung by a bee before haha cheeky little liar!! He has struggled a little with the morning routine being quite strict & as he’s tired I’ve not woken him early but he wants a chance to play even for ten minutes so Im going to get him a little alarm clock. He would enjoy that more as he gets so grumpy if I wake him haha* I made him a little craft organizer so each morning he has picture cars of what he’s to do & he moves it from the ‘do it’ slot to the ‘done’. He is so excited by this so again hopefully this encourages a great morning routine for him. He is just incredible being so adaptable & confident. My lil superstar* Im so ridiculously proud.